As I said in the last post… I do still hope in my heart that someday Prince Charming is back in my life.
I do love him, and I do believe that he is worth the effort to give it our best try if he ever wants to do so.
But that last part is the key right now.
Because having said that… it’s a situation where right now, he does not wish to do so.
Doing so is something that would be a lot harder for him than just hoping that he can successfully never show the next girl the jerk. It means working on things when they aren’t easy.
He’s told me at times that he can’t handle a relationship right now, even while looking for a new one… and I realize that this is what he meant. He can’t handle facing the very real issues in his head at the moment that are the true reasons… and we’d reached a point to where that had become something that was going to be needed to move forward.
I think he’s looking for that connection somewhere else either in hopes in never reaches that point, or just in an effort to fill the gap knowing it eventually will and enjoying the time he gets until he does.
I don’t blame him for not being ready to tackle it.
And I don’t know that he ever will be.
It’s a decision to take the hard path, when the easier paths are wider and well lit.
Because eventually, it’s going to happen with every future girl too when they reach that point.
Unless they never do. Unless they never really want to see inside, and never really want to let things get that close to him. From what I know of his marriage from both his reports and others, I’m not that sure that his wife ever did. I’m not so sure she was able to get deep enough into his world to want to know what made him tick and why he was doing what he was doing.
And that’s likely as much his choice to keep her out as her choice, if not more.
But, that sort of distance is never going to allow things to grow past a certain point.
Will that desire to be known and be loved ever be enough to push him towards being ready to do hard stuff?
Will the eventual progress of therapy lead him through the hard stuff on its own?
If it does and he decides he does want to really be able to be known and loved, would he even want it to return to work on it with me, or would he go with whoever he’s with at the time?
None of these are things anyone can answer.
Right now, the reality is no. He does not choose to do so, and that’s his choice to make, and only his choice.
It’s just as much his choice to make decisions that are seem very likely to just himself eventually.
As I said after the last email that I wrote him, I feel like I’ve said and done all that I could to influence that decision… and have nothing left in my hand to fight.
All I can do about the situation is watch, pray, hope for the best, and love him even when he isn’t making the choices I would prefer.
And all I can do for me, is to take care of me. I can care for my needs and my desires, and work on my own issues.
Right now, I have still offered him friendship, and have still left marginal friend level contact online. I do want to try and continue to offer that as long as I am able to do so without sacrificing my own well being to do so… because I do care about him deeply.
But, if the effect on me gets too great, that may be something that I am not able to safely do. And there may come a time when I decide that even the effect of the reminders is damaging to my current well being, and choose to change that. He is also more than capable to ending that on his own if he feels like it’s hurting him too greatly.
So that may not be a long term thing, but maybe it will be. Now that I’m not being thrown emotional loops by his dips on his course, maybe friendship would be something possible at some point even if he does decide to never want to cross deeper bridges.
But again, until he chooses to do so, the current reality stands at no.
It’s a very weird place of being of divided directions.
Right now, I feel like both paths are leading in the same direction. My needs are able to be fulfilled while still hoping for eventual changes of heart.
Right now, I can work on my issues without being too horribly thrown off by the messiness of his path.
Right now, I feel like I can be open to new casual level relationships to offer company and recreation while still hoping that someday they will be replaced again by Prince Charming.
But, I do know that someday this will not be the case.
I do want to be loved… to know and be known…. to have that deep level of connection with someone.
If that develops, it will be a situation where I will need to choose the path that is in the interest of my own well being, which will mean closing the door firmly.
Life is weird… that may or may not mean that eventually there won’t be more twists and turns down the road to bring us back into each others lives, and I think that I will always to some degree miss him.
But when it does all boil down, I have to choose the path I know is right for me at that time in which the paths are no longer close enough to be going in the same direction.
I do follow a God who is into healing, and into hope, and into miracles. I do know he’s got the paths for both of us laid out, and knows where each of us is going, and the steps along the way.
Right now, I choose to put a degree of faith behind my hopes, even if they are false, and to choose to continue the reading and such that I’m doing that will better prepare me if they do connect again.
But no, life is not able to go on hold.
I will hope for his return, but my life will not wait on it. Life moves forward, my path goes on just as his does.
When hope has to be sacrificed for my well being it will be, but for now, as long as it does not harm me greater to do so, I want to continue to allow it to walk along my path with me…. knowing that it may well be false hope. The harm right now does not appear to be great enough as to not allow it to stay.
There’s an old Amy Grant song…
Your smile lights up a room
Like a candle in the dark
It warms me through and through
And I guess that I had dreamed
We would never be apart
But that dream did not come true
Missing you is just a part of living
Missing you feels like a way of life
I’m living out the life that I’ve been given
But baby I still wish you were mine
And I cannot hear the telephone
Jangle on the wall
And not feel a hopefull thrill
And I cannot help but smile
At any news of you at all
And I guess I always will
Telephones may not jangle on the wall anymore… but messages beep.
I’m working on adding my own brightness back to my path to reduce the missing candle… but that song captures about where I’m at.
I’m living out the life that I’ve been given.
But will probably always still wish that he were mine.