Well, I’m officially at 1000 (public) posts here.
This would probably be a bigger deal if I hadn’t moved the blog twice before it landed here, so who knows what the real number is.
Still seems huge though.
And seems like about half of those have been in the last 5 months. lol
I remember a couple of years back when I started on the tagging project and starting going through the old posts and reading them how much of a different place I was in… I can only imagine now.
It’s for that reason that you are seeing so many posts now.
A lot is going on mentally, even when it doesn’t seem like much progress is being made and like it’s just been the same whining forever here.
After the meeting, way back in June, I almost decided to create a new blog just for dealing with the issues with Prince Charming, after a fallout with someone who wasn’t happy with my not taking her advice with my response to the meeting.
I know everyone is sick of it…. and a lot of friends were sick of hearing about it even then.
But, ya know what? This is where I am.
I know it’s not where anyone wants me to be, but it’s where I am.
And I know from the way the rest of life, that I could just shut up, pretend to be over things, and not even mention Prince Charming at all. Trust me, I’ve got many friendships where this is the case.
But, it doesn’t make me any more over it.
All it does is make me feel more disconnected, and more alone in dealing with my heart.
As time has passed, more friends are actually softening… and realizing that I’m not over it. More of them realize that things are not the way that they used to be, and more are ok with not pushing things not because they are any happier about the way the prince ended things, but because they know that I’m not upset about that and just miss him greatly.
Which is a good thing mostly for the sake of the friendships.
Because the lack of acceptance wasn’t changing my mind about Prince Charming, it was changing my mind about the friendship… creating larger gaps of distance by declaring certain areas off limits, especially when those areas were large ones in my life at the time.
I don’t pretend to claim that not being over him is healthy, or good, or in my best interest.
But forcing myself to feel what I’m not, or forcing myself to hide feelings from others or even from myself, isn’t healthy either.
This is where I am.
It may not be where I want to be, where I hope to be tomorrow, or even where I should be.
But it’s also not where I was yesterday, and unlikely to be where I ever am again.
But right now, today, it’s where I am, it’s what my reality is, and it’s part of my story.
Maybe it’s a bit of a repetitive part to the rest of the world, but to me, it’s still worth being allowed to be what it is.
Someday I will read back over these well documented paths, and be amazed I was ever there.
Actually, some phases of this, I already feel that way.
It’s messy… but this is my mess, in its current state of mess.
1000 posts from now, 100 posts from now, even 10 posts from now it will look different than it does today.
But that makes today’s mess all the more worth being allowed to be what it really is.