The blindsiding

You know what worries me the most with considering future relationships?

It’s the complete blindsiding.

I knew going into things with Prince Charming that there were some caution flags… but none of the issues that I was keeping an eye on were things that were tips of icebergs.

None of those things that I thought I knew to be cautious about were things that resurfaced.

The massive issues that would eventually become the big challenges were things that I had no idea about.

I can see some signs of them now looking back, knowing what I know now, but at the time, they were totally hidden from my view.

To be fair, I don’t think that if I had seen the signs for what they were, that it would have changed anything.

Had I known upfront, I still would have wanted to see where things led, just as I want to try rebuilding now… with full knowledge of what I’m dealing with that would let me know how to best do so.

And it would have helped me so much in understanding things, and spared so much pain had I known upfront.

But that’s what scares me with future relationships… and somewhat even with future friendships.

How do you know that there’s big things that you don’t know?

You can’t.

You can watch for signs obsessively, and over-read molehills into mountains… but even then…

Even with my major defense mechanisms in place, this one slipped through completely off radar.

But, I survived… I lived through worst case scenario.

So I can live through it again.

But that doesn’t mean I especially want to if I can avoid it.

Right now, it’s easy to look at men that I’m talking to, and tack on “and he doesn’t have issues like Prince Charming did that he’s going to dump me when he gets too close to me…”, but then, I’d have argued that point with Prince Charming all the way up to 30 seconds before he did so.

There’s always risk with people… they are human, there’s always going to be the potential for great harm.

I just know I’m not in a good place to deal with it right now if it did move forward, and that makes it rather scary.

That more than anything is my biggest reason for not moving forward with a new relationship with someone else right now.

At least with the prince, I now know what I’m dealing with.

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