Worthless demons

So, as I explained in the last post, I have a tendency to retreat to my own fantasy worlds in my head, particularly when things are going less than stellar in real life.

It’s a coping mechanism… not the most effective for resolving the situation, but sometimes good for toughing out a situation.

Except when it does nothing.

As mentioned, it could sometimes delay the anxiety attacks by keeping the triggers from being noticed… but when they were hit anyway, fantasyland was easily shattered.

But normally, that was the only thing that could break through in a dramatic enough way, except for immediately after a major fight.

Normally.

The thing about the current situation with Prince Charming… is that I can’t do it.

It completely stopped working.

I know I was still doing it before the meeting, because I know I was doing it while painting.

But it stopped working.

So I assume it probably was part of what got broken in the weird spell of just crumbling feeling after he ended it again two days later.

I just can’t get absorbed enough in the character, in their world… I just can’t shift over into them.

I normally do it so much as an automatic thing without even paying attention to the fact that I’m doing it, and I was so overwhelmed by things at that point… that it took me months to even realize that I wasn’t doing it or able to do it.

As time has passed, it has come back a little bit… but its still weak and fleeting.. a 5 minute reality break, not a full escape or anything I can maintain extendedly.

It’s just a daydream now.

That is a good part of the reason why I went back on meds. It’s been years since I’ve had anything flare up into a problem… what anxiety issues there were had been things I could easily keep under control without much effort… but that’s been under normal circumstances.

Things right now are not normal, for me anyway.

I’m sure other coping mechanisms are strengthening… and it’s actually a good thing in the long run to have it not an option. I sort of wonder if the intensity of the waves of emotion would have been enough to draw so strongly as to blur the lines again in the attempt to escape them.

But it sure isn’t making dealing with everything any easier.

Right now there is no escape. Only endure.

I don’t like endure much.

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