Parade of ex’s

So.. in something that’s been going on a bit since before the fallout with Prince Charming, the babydaddy has been being dramatic and annoying again.

It’s been years since he’d bugged me… not sure what flared up this round.

It’s been basic stupidity.

But with the contact with D recently, plus that, it got me thinking a bit. So I did a round of cyberstalking old ex’s on facebook.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve done so.

It’s interesting how many are married, or have been married, and how many of them to girls I wouldn’t have expected.

For a long time, I had a spell going where every guy I had a serious relationship with would end up marrying the next girl he was interested in… a spell that I’m very glad Prince Charming hasn’t followed.

But it’s interesting to see the electrical engineer… the one who was stable but had no sense of creativity or adventure or wonder… who was engaged within 3 weeks of ending things and married just a couple of months later. Still married, pics of him running 5k’s with his wife and his house out in the suburbs.

I look at them, and they seem to be doing well mostly.

And a bit of me wishes… wonders for a moment what it would be like if things had been different with some of them.

But it’s just a brief fleeting moment, that I honestly know isn’t actually about the guys… it’s about a desire for stability… for calm… for happiness.

I know none of these guys would have brought that.

I look at J, the one who captured my heart even when I knew it wasn’t safe… and I remember missing him for a couple of months… but I also remember, 2 1/2 years later, the date we had. Yes, date being singular, not plural.

It was at that point that I realized while he’d been my white knight at the time, that now that I was in a stable place and had no need or desire of rescue, that there just wasn’t anything there at all. No hatred, no love, just sort of indifference.

I go from there, to looking at the remaining picture on my page of me and Prince Charming.

And I can’t imagine there ever being a day when the feelings have changed that far.

Looking at his picture makes me want to run my fingers through his hair again, to snuggle next to him with his arm around me and rest my cheek again it gazing at him. To kiss him and to hold him.

Maybe someday he’ll join the list… the ones that draw only curiosity and a touch of longing for what wasn’t in the cards for my life.

But I know that if that day comes, it will not be anytime soon.


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