Never neutral

So… there are still very mixed feelings about the prince.

Yeah, he’s still in my thoughts a lot more than I would like… but, when I was trying to completely stop them, he started appearing in dreams… so some of them are being allowed a bit.

What seems to have happened in trying to stop them though, is that it stopped the moderate ones… leaving the two extremes.

Some moments I miss him… others I want to tell him off and sort of wish I were the sort of person for petty revenge.

But, the more I’ve gotten into it with the therapist… the more we’ve discovered there’s a reason.

Remember back, to the discussion of dealing with two different people?

I’m still having trouble merging the two.

There’s Prince Charming, the kind, sweet, loving one…

And there’s the jerk… which my therapist referred to once as Captain Hook. It fit well, so the jerk has as of late been referred to as the captain. The captain is harsh, heartless, doesn’t care about anyone but his own interests, and sees people are completely disposable sources of hope and attention and care for him that can be discarded when he feels like it and replaced with a fresh model.

I hate the captain. I want to chew out the captain. I pity the captain and his unhappy tragic life.

But I miss the prince. There is care and concern and compassion for the prince.

Thus, the mixed emotions…. being towards the mixed personalities.

And it’s really really hard to attempt to merge the two.

They are so drastically far apart… on everything…. that they still really do feel like I was dealing with two completely different people.

A current exercise the therapist is having me do is to list positive relationship traits…. their opposite… and to place him along that spectrum. To give him a score… a percentage.

Not a score for the prince and a score for the captain…. just a composite score, for him as a whole. As the single person that he is.

This feels so impossible.

For example, supportiveness.

The prince, I’d have given 100% very lose to the breakup. He was awesome to me.

The captain, I’d have given a 0% just two weeks later. He not only failed to have any empathy or compassion, he even seemed to target weak areas as places to launch his nonsense excuses… blaming the reason for the breakup on factors he’d been previously supportive of, and had given me no opportunity to attempt to manage and minimize as factors.

I could average the two… and give him a 50%.

But that doesn’t seem an honest score. A 50 would seem like someone who was neither supportive nor nonsupportive… neither harmful nor helpful.

It misses the reality of things.

It’s sort of like water that 50% of the time will scald you, and 50% of the time will be so close to freezing as to be harmful. And you aren’t really sure which one you are getting when.

You could average the two temps, and say the water from that faucet is lukewarm… but, really… lukewarm is the one thing that it isnt.

Moderately supportive he has never been. He has been the most supportive guy I could ever ask for, and he has been cruel. But never in the middle.

How do you bring the two together mentally?

How do you make oil and water mix together into one whole?

It seems like black and white should be able to make gray… but my mind still just has trouble with the extreme white and the extreme black swirling instead of mixing.

I get that he is just as capable of being the captain as he is of being the prince. That both exist, and will exist. And I feel like I sort of understand the mental illness struggle reasons for that.

But it’s hard to feel neutral… when you really love being with the one, and hate the way you are treated by the other.

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Less than feared

So, I’ve sort of been dreading this weekend…. with it being tied to a lot of the best memories last year.

Especially with this year being another year with awesome weather.. that it would have been great for making the trip again.

But, it actually hasn’t been that bad.

Fourth of July was actually a lot worse than Thanksgiving as far as longings…. with things being so much fresher then…

And the past couple of days have been ok.

The christmas tree and lights and decorations are up. 🙂

Last year, I didn’t even get the tree up until the week before Christmas…. and it’s been several years since I’ve had the open time to mess with lights.

They aren’t the fanciest with me still having the hurt leg…. lots of draping instead of outlining.

But they are up.

I won’t say that I won’t wish that things had been different… but life is moving on.

I’ve reached the point that I’m ok again with going to the mall across from where the prince/captain works…

And I’m able to survive movies with love themes in them without battling tears.

Life continues…. whether we are ok or not….

But this didn’t go nearly as bad on me emotionally as I’d feared.

Christmas was more mixed feelings…. and new years he was sick, or at least was claiming to be…

So I think it’s going to be alright. 🙂

Perspective

Not matter how frustrated I am with being on the losing end of some changes with my job..

Tonight, I am sleeping in a warm bed.

I am not reporting to work at 1am on black friday morning, at a very popular national store, to work cashier… when I’d only had a couple hours of training on it and had never been at a register without a trainer before.

I will not spend december getting up and reporting to work at 430 am 3 days a week to move large boxes and build pallets before doing my main job.

I will not be working on the holidays at all. I may not be getting paid for the days I’m not working, but at least I’m not in a call center taking calls.

I will not spend the holiday season working 65 hours between two jobs with little sleep.

It may not be the happiest year. I may still be fighting depression. There may even be tears.

But I’ve dealt with so much worse.

Sometimes crummy spells are rather useful later on for a bit of perspective.

The last choice

There’s an effect that I’ve noticed happening gradually.

The more and more the swoon of being head over heels in love fades… the less I think of the prince. But, the less I think of the prince, the less I think of myself.

Ya know… I loved him more than I realized that I could love. I made a lot of moves that I’d change if I had the chance to do-over… but I can honestly say I gave it my best.

And that wasn’t worth a thing.

Wasn’t even worth the attempt to address issues and spending any effort to try to see if it could be changed.

Yeah, it’s entirely possible that he was just using me… but, even taking love completely out of his side…. he had me hook line and sinker. He had me willing to give him just about anything he wanted… to spoil him and make him happy as best as I could. He had me willing to put up with being treated like worthless trash and still eager to be back with him.

How much do you have to not be able to stand someone to give up having a really good position of someone that willing to do whatever for you… and not even feel like they are worth putting up with enough to use anymore? When there was no threat in sight of them ever putting an end to it?

How crummy do you have to be that not even the user wants to use you?

The more and more he seems like a total mess, the more and more it feels like trying to feel like you are at least a passable athlete when even the kid who is always picked dead last in gym class doesn’t even want to be your partner.

If my best and my everything can’t even attract a loser for long, what chance do I think I have with a decent guy?

Dating really really sucks.

Rhythm of happiness

One year ago was a day that I can honestly say felt like the happiest day in my life.

I remember waking up that next morning… and the only thing at all coming to my mind to pray was just "thank you" over and over… feeling like the prayers I’d long since stopped expecting to find answered had been fulfilled.

And the next weekend pretty much takes the second place spot.

It’s hard to remember.

But, when my mind takes me there, I’m finding that I have to remember how many worst days of my life have come since. It feels like at least all of the top 10… 25… maybe even more… came when that cloud 9 crashed into an unseen and unmovable mountain.

Some days, the thought purge fails… and I find myself letting the prince sneak back into my thoughts again. Especially as memories of last year are crossed.

The first movie we saw officially as a couple instead of friends was the weekend before thanksgiving… the second in the hunger games series. This year, the third in the series came out… on the weekend before thanksgiving. It crossed my mind how neat that would have been had we still been together.

I wonder if this year he’s seeing it with now at least the 4th replacement attention supply.

It crosses my mind remembering how he didn’t take the holidays all that well last year even with his sons in town… and wonder how he’s doing this round with them several states away.

Sometimes I wish him well, sometimes I wish for his return, and some days I wish for him that the 3x rule of karma really did exist…. that it is returned to him just as he gave to me.

But I’ve found that I’m getting better able to control the thoughts. Not always stop them… but to balance them.

To miss spending the thanksgiving weekend with him, and yet, remember the embarrassment involving alcohol.

To wish to have him with me for the gatherings, but be able to remember the holiday gathering that was the first time it became clear to me that his stories didn’t always match, and realizing that attention from a group was sometimes more important to him than my feelings.

But they also buffer the extremes of resentment too.

It’s someone else’s turn to be the one that will give to him, only to have him turn on them. To have to deal with his mess. To leave work early to comfort him. To worry about his safety, only to have him lash out at them for their concern. To realize how shallow the gratefulness runs. To be deceived and discounted and abandoned.

To the extent that it was ever my problem, it no longer is. The replacement may be getting the sweet times from him, but she will pay the same price for them that I did eventually…. but I am free from the wounding that didn’t even seem to me to be wounding much of the time…. from the hurts caused while I was still numb to them from being head over heels in love.

The two extremes of feelings are finally beginning to become useful in balancing rather that just teeter-tottering.

It’s not the "no thoughts" goal I’d like to have… to just completely have it behind me… but it’s still moving forward.

Several months back, I re-read a quote in a book that I’d read previously… and it struck me. It said..

"Happiness is not a matter of intensity, but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony."

Last year, I felt the intensity of happiness…. in a way that I never have before…. and may never again. And I’m not entirely sure that I would even want to again.

But, that’s not where true, enduring happiness lies.

True happiness looks a lot more like contentment.

It’s calm… its having the flow and rhythm and order of life moving smoothly.

It’s a balance of all of the factors…. not just one extreme good pulling all of the others up. Because when that one falters, then the others return to being just as unhappy as they were before.

I can’t say that I’m there right now. There’s a lot of hitches right now in the rhythm and balance of things…. lots of factors acting like rocks causing my stream to have rapids.

And really, it’s been a good while since I can say that I’ve been there…. since I’ve had my stream routed around the boulders instead of fighting them.

But I know what that looks like.

I know that I’ve been there before.

And I know it will come again.

I don’t like the waterfalls my poor stream has seen in the past several years… at all.

But I trust in the big picture. That what needed to happen is what happened, and is what will happen. Whether it makes it feel any better right now or not.

There is a big picture. And the bright places and the dark places will form the shapes together.

There is a plan, created with the universe itself… that has not been thwarted even when the short term plans fail to resemble the long term ones.

I trust.

It’s all I’ve got.

And I listen to hope to catch the rhythm… to get myself back into sync with it’s beat.

The bitterness

Some days, are ok. Putting one foot in front of the other…. making the best I can with the crummy hand life is dealing me right now.

But somedays, the bitterness rages.

Therapist has said it’s just a flipping back and forth between the depression and anger stages of grief. That frustration and anger and longing and passion and love are all a lot more similar than they would seem

But they feel like worlds apart.

And it doesn’t just run against the prince…. it runs towards life in general. Especially right now with family and work and yes, the prince… but really, general life.

On these days… I’m no longer glad that at least I know how to love deep even when it’s sometimes at the sacrifice of my own well-being.

On these days, I wish for all the world that I could be a jerk. That I too could learn to just flip off switches of feelings, to treat people as disposable as soon as their usefulness had dropped in strength or required any effort.To flip one switch off, and move straight to turning the next one on… to fall right back into the full stream of love and gain without having the least bit of loyalty or concern in my heart or my head.

That I could decide to only care for the well-being of others when it was convenient to me. To only have interest in helping them when the help given was at no real loss to me, no cost to it paid from my own self-interest.

To be able to have no qualms about playing the politics, offering praise and faked interactions to someone in a position to make rulings in my favor… to have no qualms about how those might effect others.

To be able to be the jerk who has no tolerates nothing but being treated well by others, who could care less about their feelings in the process, just as long as the outcome was that they did things in ways that benefited me, even if it were out of fear and with resentment.

To be the person that nobody would dare ignore, or treat like crap… knowing that I’d have no qualms with making their life hell in return and treating them like worthless right back.

We’re all taught that treating people they way you want to be treated is the way to go…. but more and more in life, I’m really not so sure that route doesn’t just result in hurting, being treated worthless, being the pawn who always loses when someone has to give, and just in general bringing only negative.

I want to be the jerk that doesn’t care what the cost is to others, as long as I get my desires met.

Yeah, I’d lose connections to those who paid the costs instead of me…. but then, it’s not like these are people who feel like I’m worth their concern in decisions of any sort at the moment, so is it really any loss?

I wish sometimes that I didn’t have a heart. Yeah, there would be no love… but it’s not like there’s ever been much of that anyway, and it would get rid of all the pain.

I want sometimes to get the chance to be the one who is pleased to have taken the long end of the stick for themselves… rather than the one that spends life trying to focus on being happy and grateful for what little stick they can sometimes get when on occasion they manage to get it.

I know that the jerk is not who I am. I know I could never pull it off even if I tried. I know that I wouldn’t be happy even if I could.

I know its a "grass seems greener" situation.

But some days, I just want to be the jerk.

I’m tired of being kind, gentle, patient, self-controlled… of being the good one… the sweet one… the one others know they can depend on…

I want to be the selfish one. The feared one that nobody dare cross. The one people offer their dependability to, even when they aren’t getting it back. I want to be cruel when it suits my needs. To be ruthless. To be vengeful and brutal when disrespected in the slightest. The one as likely to slap you as shake your hand.

I want to be the winner on top for once.

I want to be like the leaders of the world. Like a politician. Like a corporate CEO.

I want to be everything that I’m not.

Because some days, it doesn’t feel like it could have a worse result than being everything that I am.

The knee saga rant

So, I sort of mentioned a bit that there has been some stress with the doctors over the knee injury.

Maybe it’s best for perspective to start with a little background.

I first injured this knee in 5th grade, climbing into my uncle’s truck. But, at the time, the kneecap had gone back into place, so when it was still hurting to even try to bend it weeks later, my mom and the doctor had decided I was just playing it up, and saying I had a pain threshold that was in the negative numbers.

A year and a half later, it did it again, on a carousel at an amusement park, but this time, the kneecap stayed out of place.. resulting in an ambulance ride.

But it made no difference… the same doc just said it was a common thing due to growth in teenage girls, and I would grow out of it.

So, for most of my high school years, a couple of times a year I could feel me knee go out of place a bit, but it went immediately back into place, so we didn’t even go to the doctor about it anymore… just wore the leg brace and accepted that it would be sore for a couple of weeks afterwards.

Eventually, by the time I hit college, it mostly stopped. Every now and then I would still feel it wobble, but it didn’t go out, and was just sore for a day or two.

I mentioned that it was still acting up and weak to two different doctors as an adult, and both of them just immediately told me I needed to lose weight, and didn’t take it seriously.

So, this time, it went completely out of place, and it stayed out of place. Lots of pain, and an ambulance ride again.

After it was back in place at the ER, the insurance wouldn’t approve the MRI to be done that night to figure out the damage, because it was no longer an emergency.

So, I saw my regular doc the next day… and she told me that she was having the referrals department schedule the MRI, and she would see me in a week.

Well, it took them two weeks to actually get the MRI scheduled.

Once they finally did, they got it done two days later… but it took two weeks of not getting anywhere, and finally my calling repeatedly, before the referrals person finally called me back… acting like she’d done me a huge favor by calling the insurance company to get it approved. (i could have called them myself had she answered my calls at any point to let me know they needed called!)

So, the MRI gets done. I hear back from the dr two days later.

Fluid in the knee that was causing displacement. Dark areas within the fluid, possibly due to hemorrhage. Possible partial tear, possible loose body, possible fracture. Bone bruising. And of course, evidence of recent dislocation.

Obviously, not good news… but on the other hand, I was sort of glad to get documented evidence of damage…. to finally have proof of what had been blown off.

Especially with the ankle tendon issues last year and a history of knee issues, my doc basically said she was going to refer me back to the othro doc that I’d seen for the ankle and let him make the decision on how to proceed.

So, that was September 30th.

I spent the next month being ignored by the referrals department.

Now you have to remember, I’m in a lot of pain… and having to put up with a lot of disruptions in my life from the injury.

After the two week mark, I started leaving messages daily.

At one point, a strap on the brace broke. I talked to the nurse… who just told me to wait for the ortho doc appointment.

Knowing that they’d never had me in the brace that allowed no motion for more than 2 weeks before, and with it not working at all, I went to one of the local medical supply places and bought one myself similar to what they used to have me in afterwards as a teen, and just paid out of pocket.

Again I got ahold of the nurse, at the 6 weeks post injury point, asking if I should be trying to start bending it, and trying to put weight on it more, and again got blown off and told to wait.

Now, at this point, I’ve given up and just started driving myself around again using my left foot…. and am pretty much figuring like I’m just completely treating myself here.

October 30th, a month after the MRI results, I called the nurse again, and asked her to mail me my MRI results. She’s trying to pull them up in the computer… and goes… "actually, I don’t see those or the referral entered. let me go get your chart…"

So… I’ve been waiting a month… in pain… leaving daily messages… and they didn’t even have it in the computer yet.

I made an appointment with a new doc.

They got me in the next week, and had the referral paperwork done and ortho doc appointment made before I even left the office.

I never told the old doc’s office I was leaving. So theoretically, I’m still waiting for the referral from them.

You might think that’s a good sign that this doc was better.

But, it isn’t.

She didn’t take anything I had to say seriously.

She actually didn’t even look at my knee, and didn’t even have me take the brace off.

She just lectured me about my weight, (for reference, she’s asian, maybe 5 foot, and probably about 100 pounds) and told me that I was likely just going to have to let it heal, because no surgeon would want to do surgery with me still being so overweight.

In the online notes, she put "MRI report brought in by patient shows no tear" and that’s it…. in spite of the fact that it does mention a possible tear, and other issues.

Even though her nurse had trouble getting my blood pressure and I’m pretty sure messed up the reading (top number being 30 points higher than it usually runs), and not having my past charts to see a history, she still was insistent that I have high blood pressure from obesity, and prescribed a med. When I explained that sometimes it does go high when I’m in pain, I got told that was a sign it was really high in the first place, and that if it was normal, it wouldn’t do that. (Never mind pain being a common thing listed for creating an abnormally high reading)

When I’d given the dosages on my meds on my form, she changed one when entering it into the computer system, to what she felt like it should be, without having asked a thing about my symptoms for being on it.

Like my last bad doc experience a couple of years ago, she told me I was probably already diabetic… even after I told her what my usual fasting readings were, and of the two chemical imbalance issues that throw weight off.

Like that doc, she ordered lab work… but not the labwork to check the chemical imbalanced… just the one for A1C trying to prove I was diabetic. This time I cooperated and took the test.

Their office has an online records portal… mine came back at 5.6…. and up to 5.7 is normal. Diabetic diagnosis doesn’t start until 7…. mine was high normal, but not even high enough to be in the pre-diabetic range.

But… she not only wrote the referral, she also put me back on stronger pain meds when my old doc had changed me to just taking aleve… and wrote me a paper to get a handicapped parking permit for the next two months.

She also mentioned that at the next visit, if my blood pressure is down (it should be, since it wasn’t high to begin with), she wants to put me on a certain med for one of the chemical imbalance issues.

Now… I’ve read about this med on online forums before. It’s effective… but has risks and side effects… and so there aren’t many doctors who will actually prescribe it. There’s actually sometimes posts from people with the same issues that I have that will be specifically asking for names of doctors in a certain area willing to take the risk…. and it’s pretty common for people to be complaining that their doc will recommend gastric bypass with all of its risks and history of not working well with chemical issues, but wont take the risks with the med.

So… I’m not sure how I’m feeling about her. Maybe it’s worth trying the med and putting up with her for a bit… and if the med doesn’t end up working out, then trying again to find a new doctor that actually treats me with respect.

So….. eventually…. a day shy of two months after the injury, I get to see the ortho doc for the first time since it happened.

He tells me that they should have had me out there within a week of it happening, and he could have ordered the MRI from there.

He tells me that it’s a definite tear…. that the fluid and blood are normal following a tear, and had they gotten me out there within the first couple of weeks, he could have removed the fluid…. which would have dealt with the displacement, and thus gotten rid of most of the pain and allowed him to test movement to know the extent.

As it is, he said that the scarring may tighten the tendon down as it heals… and would just require physical therapy and strengthening…. but if it hasn’t, he would have to do surgery to reconstruct and tighten it…. his guess right now is about a 50/50 shot, but he will see after a couple of weeks of therapy to improve motion again to see what it looks like at that point.

Not a single mention was made of my weight being a factor at all.

But he did also say that I shouldn’t have been in the other brace longer than a week.

So… it is what it is…. I can’t change the past…. but its hard to not feel resentment towards the referrals department not even having the decency to call me back. Maybe they were battling insurance, but given that the other office had no problems, I’m not guessing it was likely.

But instead, I got more than a month of extra pain, severe pain initially, that could have been treated right off had they gotten the paperwork together.

Ya know… I hate relying on people… and I hate being dependent on people… and things like this really don’t help that. And from the teen knee issues and other past incidents, I hate dealing with doctors, so not the best help with that either.

My insurance company and I are paying these people to help me… to care for me… and one group completely ignores me like I don’t matter in the slightest…. the other acts like I’m not worth listening to or respecting because I’m overweight.

How do you go about finding a doc that is still kind, respectful, maybe even caring?