So, yesterday was 6 months since the initial breakup.
Never really imagined coping with even 2-3 months without him at the time… but time has marched on.
There’s been a lot of drama in life… some of it with him playing games, some of it with the doctors and the knee injury, some of it with work, and some of it with family.
Some of it isn’t really stuff that I can post publicly… but really, mostly I haven’t been doing private posts either.
I just haven’t really felt like talking about it… or dealing with it.. or really doing much of anything.
A combination of the 4 factors has the depression back with a vengeance… and so mostly things are putting one foot in front of the other right now and making it through each day.
As far as the prince goes, things are still cycling through the phases of dealing with it. Some days I still deeply miss him, and other days, I can’t believe the crap I was willing to put up with out of him and see him as just the jerk that his mental illness makes him act like.
Some days I hate the fact that he was ever in my life… so there’s progress anyway.
Interestingly enough, another friend’s therapist actually told them the same thing that mine told me on his likely struggles… and there have been a few more incidents that have reinforced that.
I’ve been working on moving forward on removing him from my life. He’s been unfriended and blocked on facebook, removed from my phone and email contacts, had a lot of things deleted and the stuff that was’t deleted has been zipped into a folder and moved into my cloud storage so at least it isn’t on my computer. The books I’d gotten about dealing with loved ones with that sort of an issue have been deleted from my kindle. The cards and other tokens and items from parties we’d gone to together have been either trashed or moved into a box in the garage.
I think it’s the first time in a year that my house hasn’t had Dr Pepper in it, in spite of the fact that neither Boo nor I drink it. I even went so far as to change air freshener scents in the living room… as the day of the meeting I’d had it turned up too high, and the scent reminded me.
For now, the little Prince Charming has been allowed to remain in the house, but been moved to a drawer. But he’s pretty much the only exception.
In spite of mixed advice, I’ve decided to wait and see for the moment before deciding to make an issue over money that was loaned to him. He has no legal standing to fulfill the threats he’s made against me (that had little to do with me and more to do with a friend, but easier to blame me), but I’m keeping it in my pocket for the moment. Part of me does want to lower the boom even if he does nothing further… just out of the principle of fairness, since nothing else in this has seemed to take decent behavior or deserved respect into account at all.
With the deadline now having passed, my goal has been to stop all thoughts on the topic of him and redirect them. For the most part, this has been easier than I expected… but the ones that have proven hard to let go of are the ones that I find myself seeking comfort in that imagine a someday future as at least friends. I didn’t really even realize I was having them until it came to stopping them… but I’ve found its somewhere my mind likes to go when I’m stressed. Probably because it used to go to thoughts of him while stressed when we were together for comfort, so it’s a habit. It’s the only time the tears are likely to come anymore, is having to turn my thoughts away from future hope… but I know it’s needed.
And, in the topic of future hope… it should probably be mentioned that there is a boy somewhat in the picture right now.
There was a date before this boy.. which really just felt like pretending to be ok when I really wanted to be with the prince instead.
But things are different with this boy.. in a large part because he’s also getting over an abrupt and harsh dumping by an ex fiance right around the same time period. So, we’re both pretty on the same page of being still longing for the past, but at the same time aching for the future to move forward and put some distance and healing into things. So, things have been progressing rather slowly… and still very much in the grey areas… but even if it’s only as a 2 person “my ex turned from very serious to a jerk who hated me abruptly” support group, it’s still been helpful to have someone to be a distraction but that I can be honest with on days that I’m overcome with bitterness, etc.
So that’s where things stand mostly.
I’d be lying to say that part of me still doesn’t hope for someday having contact with him again in a positive manner, but right now, that’s been pushed from the possibilities for the sake of sanity.
But there’s also a new emotion that’s come into the picture recently that hadn’t really been there before.
Ya know… as many times as I’ve hurt and ached for the things he faces… cried for him… prayed for him… read into the challenges he battles… I’ve never found myself feeling pity.
But lately, it’s come in. As I see him playing games to try and fix the hurt, and grabbing at things he knows will only work briefly, and think of the new hurdles that have come into his picture now.
I pity him.
I pity him for having to face them… and for being in a place that he chooses to battle them alone rather than face having someone willing to walk alongside him and help him to their fullest ability. I pity him knowing that as much as I was confident in telling him that days would get better, I now realize that much like being loved, he may not be able to handle them when they are, and hide behind the closed curtains while cursing the darkness.
And I pity him…. because I know that as horrible as I’ve felt in these last 6 months… as much darkness as has come into my life… I know it’s just a tony fraction of what he deals with as normal life on a regular basis.
But, also, because I don’t. I know what it means to be happy, and to be content. And although it may not be tomorrow… I know that eventually, someday, I will be again.
And I don’t know that I can say the same thing for him.
I’d have given that man anything he’d asked from me. I’d have stood by him through most anything. I was head over heels into the stupid and blind phase of love. But in the end… the darkness probably still would have won.
And it will keep winning over the brief spells of brightness in his life… just as it did this time. He won’t be any more able to keep them than he was able to handle having someone love him.
It’s already repeated itself a couple of times over already… in the process of happening again.
My rollercoaster will end…. the choppy waters will calm… and the sun will shine. Even when a lot of times it feels pretty bleak and rough right now.
I’ve reached the point where I feel pity for him that even when he had what he cried that he wanted, he couldn’t keep it, and it wasn’t able to hold back the dark for long.
Some days I long for him. Some days I’m bitter about him. But a lot of the time, I feel just sad for him.
Even so… there is nothing I can do to change anything for him anymore even if he’d let me.
And so, life still marches on.