Some days, are ok. Putting one foot in front of the other…. making the best I can with the crummy hand life is dealing me right now.
But somedays, the bitterness rages.
Therapist has said it’s just a flipping back and forth between the depression and anger stages of grief. That frustration and anger and longing and passion and love are all a lot more similar than they would seem
But they feel like worlds apart.
And it doesn’t just run against the prince…. it runs towards life in general. Especially right now with family and work and yes, the prince… but really, general life.
On these days… I’m no longer glad that at least I know how to love deep even when it’s sometimes at the sacrifice of my own well-being.
On these days, I wish for all the world that I could be a jerk. That I too could learn to just flip off switches of feelings, to treat people as disposable as soon as their usefulness had dropped in strength or required any effort.To flip one switch off, and move straight to turning the next one on… to fall right back into the full stream of love and gain without having the least bit of loyalty or concern in my heart or my head.
That I could decide to only care for the well-being of others when it was convenient to me. To only have interest in helping them when the help given was at no real loss to me, no cost to it paid from my own self-interest.
To be able to have no qualms about playing the politics, offering praise and faked interactions to someone in a position to make rulings in my favor… to have no qualms about how those might effect others.
To be able to be the jerk who has no tolerates nothing but being treated well by others, who could care less about their feelings in the process, just as long as the outcome was that they did things in ways that benefited me, even if it were out of fear and with resentment.
To be the person that nobody would dare ignore, or treat like crap… knowing that I’d have no qualms with making their life hell in return and treating them like worthless right back.
We’re all taught that treating people they way you want to be treated is the way to go…. but more and more in life, I’m really not so sure that route doesn’t just result in hurting, being treated worthless, being the pawn who always loses when someone has to give, and just in general bringing only negative.
I want to be the jerk that doesn’t care what the cost is to others, as long as I get my desires met.
Yeah, I’d lose connections to those who paid the costs instead of me…. but then, it’s not like these are people who feel like I’m worth their concern in decisions of any sort at the moment, so is it really any loss?
I wish sometimes that I didn’t have a heart. Yeah, there would be no love… but it’s not like there’s ever been much of that anyway, and it would get rid of all the pain.
I want sometimes to get the chance to be the one who is pleased to have taken the long end of the stick for themselves… rather than the one that spends life trying to focus on being happy and grateful for what little stick they can sometimes get when on occasion they manage to get it.
I know that the jerk is not who I am. I know I could never pull it off even if I tried. I know that I wouldn’t be happy even if I could.
I know its a "grass seems greener" situation.
But some days, I just want to be the jerk.
I’m tired of being kind, gentle, patient, self-controlled… of being the good one… the sweet one… the one others know they can depend on…
I want to be the selfish one. The feared one that nobody dare cross. The one people offer their dependability to, even when they aren’t getting it back. I want to be cruel when it suits my needs. To be ruthless. To be vengeful and brutal when disrespected in the slightest. The one as likely to slap you as shake your hand.
I want to be the winner on top for once.
I want to be like the leaders of the world. Like a politician. Like a corporate CEO.
I want to be everything that I’m not.
Because some days, it doesn’t feel like it could have a worse result than being everything that I am.