One year ago was a day that I can honestly say felt like the happiest day in my life.
I remember waking up that next morning… and the only thing at all coming to my mind to pray was just "thank you" over and over… feeling like the prayers I’d long since stopped expecting to find answered had been fulfilled.
And the next weekend pretty much takes the second place spot.
It’s hard to remember.
But, when my mind takes me there, I’m finding that I have to remember how many worst days of my life have come since. It feels like at least all of the top 10… 25… maybe even more… came when that cloud 9 crashed into an unseen and unmovable mountain.
Some days, the thought purge fails… and I find myself letting the prince sneak back into my thoughts again. Especially as memories of last year are crossed.
The first movie we saw officially as a couple instead of friends was the weekend before thanksgiving… the second in the hunger games series. This year, the third in the series came out… on the weekend before thanksgiving. It crossed my mind how neat that would have been had we still been together.
I wonder if this year he’s seeing it with now at least the 4th replacement attention supply.
It crosses my mind remembering how he didn’t take the holidays all that well last year even with his sons in town… and wonder how he’s doing this round with them several states away.
Sometimes I wish him well, sometimes I wish for his return, and some days I wish for him that the 3x rule of karma really did exist…. that it is returned to him just as he gave to me.
But I’ve found that I’m getting better able to control the thoughts. Not always stop them… but to balance them.
To miss spending the thanksgiving weekend with him, and yet, remember the embarrassment involving alcohol.
To wish to have him with me for the gatherings, but be able to remember the holiday gathering that was the first time it became clear to me that his stories didn’t always match, and realizing that attention from a group was sometimes more important to him than my feelings.
But they also buffer the extremes of resentment too.
It’s someone else’s turn to be the one that will give to him, only to have him turn on them. To have to deal with his mess. To leave work early to comfort him. To worry about his safety, only to have him lash out at them for their concern. To realize how shallow the gratefulness runs. To be deceived and discounted and abandoned.
To the extent that it was ever my problem, it no longer is. The replacement may be getting the sweet times from him, but she will pay the same price for them that I did eventually…. but I am free from the wounding that didn’t even seem to me to be wounding much of the time…. from the hurts caused while I was still numb to them from being head over heels in love.
The two extremes of feelings are finally beginning to become useful in balancing rather that just teeter-tottering.
It’s not the "no thoughts" goal I’d like to have… to just completely have it behind me… but it’s still moving forward.
Several months back, I re-read a quote in a book that I’d read previously… and it struck me. It said..
"Happiness is not a matter of intensity, but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony."
Last year, I felt the intensity of happiness…. in a way that I never have before…. and may never again. And I’m not entirely sure that I would even want to again.
But, that’s not where true, enduring happiness lies.
True happiness looks a lot more like contentment.
It’s calm… its having the flow and rhythm and order of life moving smoothly.
It’s a balance of all of the factors…. not just one extreme good pulling all of the others up. Because when that one falters, then the others return to being just as unhappy as they were before.
I can’t say that I’m there right now. There’s a lot of hitches right now in the rhythm and balance of things…. lots of factors acting like rocks causing my stream to have rapids.
And really, it’s been a good while since I can say that I’ve been there…. since I’ve had my stream routed around the boulders instead of fighting them.
But I know what that looks like.
I know that I’ve been there before.
And I know it will come again.
I don’t like the waterfalls my poor stream has seen in the past several years… at all.
But I trust in the big picture. That what needed to happen is what happened, and is what will happen. Whether it makes it feel any better right now or not.
There is a big picture. And the bright places and the dark places will form the shapes together.
There is a plan, created with the universe itself… that has not been thwarted even when the short term plans fail to resemble the long term ones.
It’s all I’ve got.
And I listen to hope to catch the rhythm… to get myself back into sync with it’s beat.