Never neutral

So… there are still very mixed feelings about the prince.

Yeah, he’s still in my thoughts a lot more than I would like… but, when I was trying to completely stop them, he started appearing in dreams… so some of them are being allowed a bit.

What seems to have happened in trying to stop them though, is that it stopped the moderate ones… leaving the two extremes.

Some moments I miss him… others I want to tell him off and sort of wish I were the sort of person for petty revenge.

But, the more I’ve gotten into it with the therapist… the more we’ve discovered there’s a reason.

Remember back, to the discussion of dealing with two different people?

I’m still having trouble merging the two.

There’s Prince Charming, the kind, sweet, loving one…

And there’s the jerk… which my therapist referred to once as Captain Hook. It fit well, so the jerk has as of late been referred to as the captain. The captain is harsh, heartless, doesn’t care about anyone but his own interests, and sees people are completely disposable sources of hope and attention and care for him that can be discarded when he feels like it and replaced with a fresh model.

I hate the captain. I want to chew out the captain. I pity the captain and his unhappy tragic life.

But I miss the prince. There is care and concern and compassion for the prince.

Thus, the mixed emotions…. being towards the mixed personalities.

And it’s really really hard to attempt to merge the two.

They are so drastically far apart… on everything…. that they still really do feel like I was dealing with two completely different people.

A current exercise the therapist is having me do is to list positive relationship traits…. their opposite… and to place him along that spectrum. To give him a score… a percentage.

Not a score for the prince and a score for the captain…. just a composite score, for him as a whole. As the single person that he is.

This feels so impossible.

For example, supportiveness.

The prince, I’d have given 100% very lose to the breakup. He was awesome to me.

The captain, I’d have given a 0% just two weeks later. He not only failed to have any empathy or compassion, he even seemed to target weak areas as places to launch his nonsense excuses… blaming the reason for the breakup on factors he’d been previously supportive of, and had given me no opportunity to attempt to manage and minimize as factors.

I could average the two… and give him a 50%.

But that doesn’t seem an honest score. A 50 would seem like someone who was neither supportive nor nonsupportive… neither harmful nor helpful.

It misses the reality of things.

It’s sort of like water that 50% of the time will scald you, and 50% of the time will be so close to freezing as to be harmful. And you aren’t really sure which one you are getting when.

You could average the two temps, and say the water from that faucet is lukewarm… but, really… lukewarm is the one thing that it isnt.

Moderately supportive he has never been. He has been the most supportive guy I could ever ask for, and he has been cruel. But never in the middle.

How do you bring the two together mentally?

How do you make oil and water mix together into one whole?

It seems like black and white should be able to make gray… but my mind still just has trouble with the extreme white and the extreme black swirling instead of mixing.

I get that he is just as capable of being the captain as he is of being the prince. That both exist, and will exist. And I feel like I sort of understand the mental illness struggle reasons for that.

But it’s hard to feel neutral… when you really love being with the one, and hate the way you are treated by the other.

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