Medless horseman

So, yes, as you can tell from some of the posts here of late, the past week or two has been a bit of a move backwards.

Yes, it’s not that long ago that every day was like that… but, it was notably worse than it had been recently.

But there’s something that wasn’t mentioned.

Back almost a month ago, I went back off the medications for depression and anxiety.

So, yes.. it wasn’t the best coping… but given that it didn’t have that benefit, I think it went better than I would have expected.

As I’ve discussed a bit here before, the meds are a bit of a debated thing with me. Yes, they help, but normally at a cost that I’m not willing to pay.

Normally, I can manage without them…. but when managing life itself got to be overly draining on it’s own, outsourcing that battle became a needed help. (Ok, and I’ll admit, I wasn’t doing the greatest even with that help!)

We’d gone to a new medication (after trying one that was more similar to the older one I was on)… that honestly, I liked. It wasn’t giving me any of the problems that the other two had. It wasn’t something I even actively noticed that I was on until it wore off or I forgot a dose.

Unfortunately, after a few months it started causing some significant medical side effects though, that even being on two major meds couldn’t counter.

I decided to try and see how it went off of it, rather than go off, wait for it to clear system, and start trying another again… given the dislike of the other ones.

Last week I wasn’t too sure I’d made the right choice… but, really, Christmas is always a rough time for me. Things ended with the fiance just after it, and a few years later I got my heart broken right before it. Adding in the usual relationship holiday stuff… it was going to be a rough spell either way. So, given the circumstances…. it wasn’t nearly as horrible as it could have been.

But… it’s over and done… and I made it.

I managed… even if not gracefully.

Without meds relieving a bit of the pressure even.

A bit more of a sign that things are going to be ok, eventually.

It may not be midday yet…. but the horizon is getting brighter. Finally. 🙂

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Fireball pics

Ok, so my description may have been a bit hard to follow in last post… lol

Couple of pics to explain better. 🙂

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See… they are meant to look like jingle bells. That may be more obvious if there were gold ones with it like at the store… (They did also have tree shaped options, and something else…)

If you look through the star, you can see part of the “door” on the other side.

It’s bigger than a basketball, but smaller than the small size of exercise ball.

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In this one, you can see the candle sitting inside. The info on the bottom calls it a “small star lantern”. I’ve got a standard sized 3 wick candle in it…. about the size of my palm around… but it should be fine to have a small fire directly in the bottom of the pottery too.

(Ignore the floor… lol this is in my room, the room that I haven’t redone the floors because it requires taking all of the furniture out of it, and both of my dressers are solid wood and massively heavy, and one is a total pain to get around the turn in the hall even with multiple people)

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The view through the door when lit. My cell really doesn’t like high contrasts in light, so i couldn’t get it to cooperate with showing more of the stars…. let alone the really cool sets of three stars that this projects from it…. but it’s really neat.

So, hopefully that explains what I meant a bit better.

A place for fire

Back in October, I found myself looking around at the small little portable firepits.

Basically, I wanted a place to have a tiny fire, and burn things…. mostly paper.

I’d used a small bbq until summer before last when it broke… but, it just didn’t have the feel… functional, but not an ideal match for a symbolic emotional type of burning.

I didn’t find anything of real interest when I was looking. Commercial ones were pretty expensive and usually bigger than I wanted. DIY make it yourself stuff looked more promising, but still nothing really fit my fancy that also fit my budget.

And so, I made do with a deep roaster pan from walmart for the time, and put it out of my mind.

Today, I was at the grocery store, for groceries… not intentionally for christmas stuff.. and I saw that they still had a ton of the pottery jingle bells that I’d intended to tell my mom about, knowing she likes pottery stuff, and see if she was interested in them.

I told her, she was, and I went back to get one.

These are big ball shaped pottery… about 18" or so in diameter. Painted either silver or gold like a jingle bell, and they have stars cut out all over them, and a hole about 6 inches wide on one side to be able to put a candle or bulb in to shine through the stars.

They’d originally been 25, so I expected them to be a bit above 10, since most decorations were half off right now.

It rang up as 5. The cashier told me they were in the way, weren’t selling well, and they just wanted rid of them.

So I got myself one too, on a whim. Hadn’t planned on it.

I got them home, and dropped off my moms… and she called it "like a little chimenea." (No idea how to spell that… spell check doesn’t like it)

And basically it is. It’s made of pottery like one, has hole in side like one, has vent holes that also let light out like some do.

I got mine home, brought it inside into my room, and put a candle in it. This candle happened to have three wicks.

And so, each of the stars is actually projected onto my ceiling as three stars, all dancing gently as the flames flicker and catching the glitter on my ceiling.

Pretty cool. Nice and relaxing.

But sitting there watching it, I suddenly realized… I just bought a mini-chimenea for 5 bucks.

Essentially… a small little native-americanish styled fire pit. It’s the same type of pottery, so it should be able to handle a small fire in it directly too.

And its pretty much the perfect size for what I’d been looking for. And has a really neat look and feel for burning things. Had I run across it while I’d been actively looking at fire pits, I’d have declared it perfect and paid the full 25 for it without pause.

I wasn’t even thinking about my desire for a place for fire… and there it was just handed to me. On clearance.

It’s nice when sometimes things just work out better than you could have planned… even if its just a little thing I’d put out of mind already… as a reassurance that someday big things will too.

Someday the big things will settle…. but for now… I have a place for fire, and dancing stars on my ceiling. 🙂

A new angle of hatred

I know I wrote some time back about how the less I thought of K, the worse it made me feel that not even a jerk would want to put up with me… that not even a user who was winning easily would want to put up with me enough to keep using me.

And a bit more recently, about how I somewhat blame myself for being too easily lead into love, and too unlikely to defend my own self interests after that point hits.

But this week I’ve found a new angle of being mad at myself… in that, the less I think of him, the less I think of myself for being emotionally stupid enough to still care.

I know… the caring is a natural thing, to some extent a good sign of attachment that it doesn’t fade easily…. and yes, the intensity has dropped greatly.

But feeling like I was having over christmas still make me mad at myself for having them…. and the more I accept that he’s as much captain hook as prince charming, the more I get mad at myself for being dumb enough to care for someone who is a jerk even after I know darn good and well that they are one, and would only hurt me again given the chance.

It may be a good thing that I’m able to care and not have it easily disappear… but theres a point where it becomes a bad thing that i can’t not care when the point has been reached where that seems to be the sane response.

I hate that he’s treated me cruelly, I hate that I’ve let him be cruel to me even when I had little to go on to have known to guard better….

And I hate that I still care about him, miss him especially his friendship, and even that I think about him anymore, when I know none of those three apply the other direction.

Somehow that hatred just makes the round of depression even worse… and the urges for non-beneficial behavior even harder to resist.

It hurts.

But then, that’s pretty much normal anymore.

The absence

Yesterday was a bit rougher than I expected.

Ya know, with it being busy, which usually helps…. and with having to work part of the day to keep me occupied… and with a bit of memories of family drama associated with christmas eve happenings last year, I really didn’t expect this one to be that bad.

The tears behaved themselves until later…. but the absence was very much felt.

Which, seems crazy to me.

How many years have I been alone at christmas? And one year, even with a freshly broken heart from just days before. Being alone should be my normal.

Just one year… not even a particularly deeply emotional night ever… and somehow, it seems like he’s supposed to be there… like he’s always been there.

It’s not like we were some couple that had been married since teen years and have never lived through the holidays alone before. It’s not like he’s been there year after year and it’s the first year of change.

But it feels like it.

I felt the absence on the ride over…. sitting on the couch… even in going to the kitchen and in things like having nobody else to grab a dr pepper for while I’m there.

It felt like there should be… even when there rarely has been.

I’ve said before that there are times that this breakup has been harder on me than even deaths… and tonight was one of those weird cases. I haven’t felt a sense of absence that much like that even with family members who were regular constant figures but then were gone.

Life is weird I guess… and emotions are even weirder.

I guess I can just hope that someday, there will be a new person who will choose to fill that space, and will like being there and want to stay there.

I guess it is what it is until then.

Opposing K’s

An imaginary christmas card to K:

"You’re a complete jerk.

You’ve threatened me, for having cared about your safety even after you’ve already chosen to kill yourself towards me.

You’re a hopeless mess with too many very deep wounds and very big issues and needs arising from them to really be capable of caring about anyone else, or of not hurting them regardless of your intentions, and maybe you always will be. You yourself have admitted that your challenges will never be gone, even as you use fixing them for an excuse as if this were something that could be accomplished in that short of a time frame.

You hate me so much you’d delete yourself from a website because it had let me know you were on it looking for fat chicks like me, and by the cruelty of your other responses, and lack of tolerance of even friendship, that hatred may well have been all that you’ve ever actually felt for someone who honestly dearly loved you.

Yes, I know.

Merry Christmas anyway.

You may be a jerk, but you still have people who care, even when you may never know what that means."

And that, is a good example of wanting to chew him out and yet missing him a lot at same time.

He’s a jerk and would bring only more pain.

But as much as I know that, I still do love him. It still hurts missing him.

I really need to find myself someone who wants someone to care for them.

Somewhere out there, theres got to be a decent guy just begging god for someone to love them and care about them… Desperately wanting exactly what K discards as worthless.

And who would not only want to be cared about, but also to be able to open their heart and care about me too.

Just wish I knew where to find them.

Kind of rough day. Trying to push tears off til past bedtime… Cuz pushing him out of my mind very much isn’t working… Even if I know he doesn’t care and that I’ve probably not crossed his mind in months.

Expecting

So, I went on the junk dating site, to get K’s profile address to send to a mutual friend in a discussion of the matter.

And he’s now completely deleted it. Doesn’t show even when I log out, so not just blocking me.

He’d shown as online when I’d been on it earlier in the evening.

I don’t know if it scared him off that it had told me, or if I was supposed to have taken the bait, or exactly what the deal is… seems a bit dramatic when he could have just unliked me or blocked me, but then, I’m done trying to figure out what in the world he’s got going on in his head.

I want to be at the place that I can say that I’m completely detached… that I’m not thrown off by things like the info I was told or the randomness of the timing on the site weirdness….

But I’m just not at that place yet.

But right now, it feels like a sucker punch.

December is already always a rough month for me with several negative anniversaries right around Christmas… and this year is no exception.

But I knew what it was… and I was dealing with it. I knew why things were seeming worse, and being harder.

But with the weird timing on finding out the info just days after it took new significance… plus the site… hitting right when I’m feeling weakest… I just feel attacked.

Both the info, and the site games, should be reinforcing to me why K is not a good candidate for someone to trust my heart to even as a friend.

And yet, both are just making me feel more lonely… more like the sun will never rise.. just when I was starting to see rays of dawn.

This morning I cried, hard and long, the first time I’ve cried in months.

The desire was back to the feelings of old… the wanting of just one human to truly care about me and have my back.

But unlike back then, when the desire turned to begging for fulfillment, it has now turned to begging for removal of the desire. To take it away, or help me to make it go away.

A while back, the therapist had asked me first if I felt like I deserved or had done something to deserve the treatment I was getting from the captain, and if not, then why was I tolerating it.

My answer was that I’d been very happy, and wanted that back so much that the negative things seemed small and insignificant in comparison. I felt like I deserved the happiness back more than I felt like I didn’t deserve to be dealing with a jerk.

Do I feel like I deserve to have my human? Back in that entry, I would have said no.

But, remembering the post about feeling like it wasn’t too much to ask to just get to keep one…. actually, I think I do feel like I deserve to get to love and be loved. At least some of the time I feel that way.

But, I don’t think I actually expect it to ever happen again.

Like I’ve said on here before… I hate the word deserve. People used to use it all the time when I was struggling so hard on job searching, and in going back to school…

But deserving to have something positive, and actually having it, are two very very completely different things.

And being told you deserve something that you don’t have and may never have just makes it feel worse that it isn’t there.

Did I deserve the jobs I was applying for? Yes. I was more than capable of doing them, I’d done all that I could…. but, that still didn’t get me a job.

And the only ones that were interested were really hard, low paying, and short term… that I can generally say that I feel like I deserved better, but at that point, it was my best option, my only real option, and the only thing willing to have me.

Did I really deserve better if nobody was willing to give me better? Or was I just delusional about my value?

It’s actually pretty similar right now on dating things. Talking to guys and looking towards recreational dating is actually pretty similar to taking a seasonal job unloading trucks and stocking shelves at 4:30 am. It’s not because I think it’s what I really want, it’s not a career or a life partner… it’s meeting the immediate need right now in what seems like the only way I’ve got to do so.

And like the call center job, which was based on testing to show you could do it more than it was on interview…. so was the relationship with K, showing I could care about him as a friend before being given a try. Which probably ought to make me feel better on both on feeling like rejection is an undervaluation, not a true measure of ability or not deserving it.

The call center job came just at the right time… just when I was completely out of other options… and at a point that I’d completely been beaten down from rejection to the point where I felt like I had no hope for it.

Which you would think would make me feel better that the same will come some day on relationships… but then, looking at how many people never do find someone… or make do with the crummy job relationships… especially seeming to be higher among christian women and fat chicks… and the odds towards hope aren’t much to be reassuring.

Regardless of deserving anything or not, I don’t actually expect it to happen again. Not with the lines of crummy jobs and mr-right-nows.

I know too much how much that was a rare occurrence.

There really ought to be a way to remove desire when the hope associated with it has left.

Because deep desire with no expectation of ever seeing fulfillment really makes life pretty stinking hard to battle for happiness or peace. It just feels like a trial of endurance.