So, I’ve mentioned the past couple of days about some of my qualms with the exercises on trying to merge the views of the prince and the views of the captain into a more unified single view.
And, it’s still really hard to do with such a dramatic contrast.
Generally, if someone is seen over an extended amount of time as being generally reliable… they might have a range of, say, being between 90% reliable and maybe with a wide variation down to 70%. Maybe, in a very bad spell, maybe it might drop to 50%.
But, people who have been generally reliable, not just initially but over time, most of the time don’t abruptly drop to near 0% and then back again repeatedly.
People generally stay fairly similar to their track records.
So, when there’s the extreme differences, with basically nothing in between, it seems more like completely different people than it does just a variation of the same person’s core traits to that degree.
It’s sort of like the two ends are so far apart that you have to turn your head all the way one direction to see one end, and all the way the other direction to see the other, so it’s hard to get both ends in the same view at the same time.
As much as my feelings about K are bouncing, it seems like what is actually bouncing is which side I’m looking at. My feelings towards each of the sides are very different, but fairly stable towards that particular side… but my head is sort of spinning back and forth on which one I’m focusing on.
Having said that… the therapist does have a point.
Because as much as I wish that I could deal only with the prince, even if I were to able to be friends with him again someday, it’s likely going to involve both the prince and the captain.
And back when I was working on accepting that he’s facing some major challenges that he’s working against, the therapist had encouraged me to ask a couple of particular questions to people who had known him extended… and with one, they’d suggested I address it to one of two people who are particularly close to him.
And from their answers… I get the impression that the longer time went on, the more I would be likely to be seeing more captain and less prince.
I loved the prince dearly… still care about him and am concerned for him… and still miss him a lot, particularly as a friend.
But, the captain… well, honestly, the captain seems to pretty much hate me.
Actually, at one point, I’d even told him as much. He denied hating me… and when I asked about being friends, was told he already considered me to be his friend… and yet, the way he acted towards me never said "friend" at all.
Would a friendship with the prince still be worth the friendship if it meant sometimes dealing with the captain hating the same things about me that the prince had once praised?
Would it even meet my basic expectations on friendship? Can you even be friends with someone who doesn’t treat you with a certain degree of respect as a minimum?
I know the prince can be amazing. I’ve seen it… and I still really do believe in him, that there is greatness in him.
But, if the captain is a tag-along that can’t be avoided… knowing that the captain cares less about me and seems to despise me… is it all that different from having a friend whose significant other hates me and sabotages the friendship?
The captain isn’t always awful, to be honest I still liked being with him in person and talking to him even then.. but I hate the way that the captain treats me with disrespect and seemingly thinly veiled contempt.
And I love and very much miss the prince.
But do I miss K as the combination of both? Could I handle friendship with the captain, to be friends with K as the combination of both?
I think I’d still like to try… but, I honestly don’t know. There may be a point that the captain would be too much to resemble much of a friendship.
But, I do need to remember in judging other relationship possibilities that the prince as a standalone no longer exists. Yes, he was a great guy to be with… but K as a whole no longer is only the prince towards me (to the extent that he ever even truly was..)