Relief of sorts

So, the one thing that’s been a bit of a new change has been the ending of the relationship with the new guy mentioned a tiny bit here.

Things sort of stayed right there just beyond the grey area mostly.

I’d kind of gotten a feeling like things were shifting to where I was the one pushing the flow of conversation…. but then, he was still responding instantly to every message I sent, and would keep the conversation for as long as I kept sending them.

But it was just sort of that feeling though… even though I could’t really say what was giving me the feeling… that things were cooling.

Then, he’d been sick and had to cancel going out to the movies on a night we’d planned to see a specific one, and hadn’t rescheduled in a week and a half.

I decided to stop sending messages, and see how long it took him to initiate the next one on his own. It’s a strategy that at least gives a pretty clear signal on interest at times, when in question.

Three days later was Thanksgiving… so I did start one then… but then went back to waiting.

A full week after Thanksgiving, and still no contact from him, and it was time to call it closed.

Maybe it would have turned around… and I did enjoy talking to him… and he did make me feel better…

But, if he’s not that interested in me enough to be initiating to some degree… and this early in things… I’m not chasing. I want someone that is at least interested in me enough that if we going from talking daily (or multiple times daily) to silence, they are at least going to miss contact with me within a week.

It went smooth and calm… no drama… just a natural ending. I consider it to have just been a mutual decision of just not being the right match right now.

He unfriended me on facebook, so I’m going with assuming he does not wish to be friends outside of dating possibility and leaving it be.

And mostly… my overall feeling is along the lines of "eh, whatever."… so I’m thinking it was an eventual thing anyway.

But, it actually makes me feel a bit relieved.

Not so much to have things over with him… but that I am ok with it.

That I’m not flipping out about it…. no tears… no feeling of hopelessness or rejection.

I feel like it was handled in a mature adult way. I didn’t go all drama on him. I didn’t get into defensiveness about the non-contact. No resentment, and had he been interested in dropping to friends, I would have been ok with it.

I didn’t go all clingy and desperate when I got the feeling interest was waning… or go all out on feeling like I had to win it back to prove my worth given this year.

It was just an ending… a basically unremarkable one, like honestly the vast majority of the ones in my life have been.

So there’s a sort of a relief to it, and even a sort of peace.

A reassurance that I’m not a general mess, but that the situation with K was extreme circumstances, an isolated situation, not a sign of future things to come.

In the calm and smooth of this round, it did cross my mind a bit that maybe that’s what I should have just done with K. Not said anything when I got the feeling of him distancing himself, and just let it dissolve to the point that it ended in a natural way.

But, the big difference being, I dearly loved him. When I confronted him about it, it wasn’t to accelerate the process of ending things, it was letting him know that I was really fearful of an ending… I don’t think ever thinking that he wouldn’t find it worth the effort to attempt to fix the disconnect.

Maybe it would have been more peaceful and calm to have just let it dissolve…. but it meant something to me that was worth more than the calm.

So I think I would have been more worried about my heart had I just been ok with just losing it slowly, even if the end happened anyway.

It’s painful either way… and I probably did take the path of more pain… but I can say that I loved him as best as I could.

But… it’s sort of funny.

The discussion with my therapist of the ending with the newer guy and being ok both with the ending and with the decision to not remain friends ended up into a slightly heated discussion about the fact that I’m still not 100% ok with losing the friendship with K.

I know it saved me more heartache in the long run… and I know that it would have been dealing with more captain than prince… but I still do miss him. I’m still crazy enough that I’d try the friendship again if he ever reached the point that he could handle it, even knowing the likely eventual outcome again. And yes, I know it’d be a self-destructive decision that would be starting over again on healing at the end.

But, it’s not like he’s the only friendship that I miss even though it had turned negative… so I guess maybe I’m ok with that for now.


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