Expecting

So, I went on the junk dating site, to get K’s profile address to send to a mutual friend in a discussion of the matter.

And he’s now completely deleted it. Doesn’t show even when I log out, so not just blocking me.

He’d shown as online when I’d been on it earlier in the evening.

I don’t know if it scared him off that it had told me, or if I was supposed to have taken the bait, or exactly what the deal is… seems a bit dramatic when he could have just unliked me or blocked me, but then, I’m done trying to figure out what in the world he’s got going on in his head.

I want to be at the place that I can say that I’m completely detached… that I’m not thrown off by things like the info I was told or the randomness of the timing on the site weirdness….

But I’m just not at that place yet.

But right now, it feels like a sucker punch.

December is already always a rough month for me with several negative anniversaries right around Christmas… and this year is no exception.

But I knew what it was… and I was dealing with it. I knew why things were seeming worse, and being harder.

But with the weird timing on finding out the info just days after it took new significance… plus the site… hitting right when I’m feeling weakest… I just feel attacked.

Both the info, and the site games, should be reinforcing to me why K is not a good candidate for someone to trust my heart to even as a friend.

And yet, both are just making me feel more lonely… more like the sun will never rise.. just when I was starting to see rays of dawn.

This morning I cried, hard and long, the first time I’ve cried in months.

The desire was back to the feelings of old… the wanting of just one human to truly care about me and have my back.

But unlike back then, when the desire turned to begging for fulfillment, it has now turned to begging for removal of the desire. To take it away, or help me to make it go away.

A while back, the therapist had asked me first if I felt like I deserved or had done something to deserve the treatment I was getting from the captain, and if not, then why was I tolerating it.

My answer was that I’d been very happy, and wanted that back so much that the negative things seemed small and insignificant in comparison. I felt like I deserved the happiness back more than I felt like I didn’t deserve to be dealing with a jerk.

Do I feel like I deserve to have my human? Back in that entry, I would have said no.

But, remembering the post about feeling like it wasn’t too much to ask to just get to keep one…. actually, I think I do feel like I deserve to get to love and be loved. At least some of the time I feel that way.

But, I don’t think I actually expect it to ever happen again.

Like I’ve said on here before… I hate the word deserve. People used to use it all the time when I was struggling so hard on job searching, and in going back to school…

But deserving to have something positive, and actually having it, are two very very completely different things.

And being told you deserve something that you don’t have and may never have just makes it feel worse that it isn’t there.

Did I deserve the jobs I was applying for? Yes. I was more than capable of doing them, I’d done all that I could…. but, that still didn’t get me a job.

And the only ones that were interested were really hard, low paying, and short term… that I can generally say that I feel like I deserved better, but at that point, it was my best option, my only real option, and the only thing willing to have me.

Did I really deserve better if nobody was willing to give me better? Or was I just delusional about my value?

It’s actually pretty similar right now on dating things. Talking to guys and looking towards recreational dating is actually pretty similar to taking a seasonal job unloading trucks and stocking shelves at 4:30 am. It’s not because I think it’s what I really want, it’s not a career or a life partner… it’s meeting the immediate need right now in what seems like the only way I’ve got to do so.

And like the call center job, which was based on testing to show you could do it more than it was on interview…. so was the relationship with K, showing I could care about him as a friend before being given a try. Which probably ought to make me feel better on both on feeling like rejection is an undervaluation, not a true measure of ability or not deserving it.

The call center job came just at the right time… just when I was completely out of other options… and at a point that I’d completely been beaten down from rejection to the point where I felt like I had no hope for it.

Which you would think would make me feel better that the same will come some day on relationships… but then, looking at how many people never do find someone… or make do with the crummy job relationships… especially seeming to be higher among christian women and fat chicks… and the odds towards hope aren’t much to be reassuring.

Regardless of deserving anything or not, I don’t actually expect it to happen again. Not with the lines of crummy jobs and mr-right-nows.

I know too much how much that was a rare occurrence.

There really ought to be a way to remove desire when the hope associated with it has left.

Because deep desire with no expectation of ever seeing fulfillment really makes life pretty stinking hard to battle for happiness or peace. It just feels like a trial of endurance.

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