An imaginary christmas card to K:
"You’re a complete jerk.
You’ve threatened me, for having cared about your safety even after you’ve already chosen to kill yourself towards me.
You’re a hopeless mess with too many very deep wounds and very big issues and needs arising from them to really be capable of caring about anyone else, or of not hurting them regardless of your intentions, and maybe you always will be. You yourself have admitted that your challenges will never be gone, even as you use fixing them for an excuse as if this were something that could be accomplished in that short of a time frame.
You hate me so much you’d delete yourself from a website because it had let me know you were on it looking for fat chicks like me, and by the cruelty of your other responses, and lack of tolerance of even friendship, that hatred may well have been all that you’ve ever actually felt for someone who honestly dearly loved you.
Yes, I know.
Merry Christmas anyway.
You may be a jerk, but you still have people who care, even when you may never know what that means."
And that, is a good example of wanting to chew him out and yet missing him a lot at same time.
He’s a jerk and would bring only more pain.
But as much as I know that, I still do love him. It still hurts missing him.
I really need to find myself someone who wants someone to care for them.
Somewhere out there, theres got to be a decent guy just begging god for someone to love them and care about them… Desperately wanting exactly what K discards as worthless.
And who would not only want to be cared about, but also to be able to open their heart and care about me too.
Just wish I knew where to find them.
Kind of rough day. Trying to push tears off til past bedtime… Cuz pushing him out of my mind very much isn’t working… Even if I know he doesn’t care and that I’ve probably not crossed his mind in months.