The absence

Yesterday was a bit rougher than I expected.

Ya know, with it being busy, which usually helps…. and with having to work part of the day to keep me occupied… and with a bit of memories of family drama associated with christmas eve happenings last year, I really didn’t expect this one to be that bad.

The tears behaved themselves until later…. but the absence was very much felt.

Which, seems crazy to me.

How many years have I been alone at christmas? And one year, even with a freshly broken heart from just days before. Being alone should be my normal.

Just one year… not even a particularly deeply emotional night ever… and somehow, it seems like he’s supposed to be there… like he’s always been there.

It’s not like we were some couple that had been married since teen years and have never lived through the holidays alone before. It’s not like he’s been there year after year and it’s the first year of change.

But it feels like it.

I felt the absence on the ride over…. sitting on the couch… even in going to the kitchen and in things like having nobody else to grab a dr pepper for while I’m there.

It felt like there should be… even when there rarely has been.

I’ve said before that there are times that this breakup has been harder on me than even deaths… and tonight was one of those weird cases. I haven’t felt a sense of absence that much like that even with family members who were regular constant figures but then were gone.

Life is weird I guess… and emotions are even weirder.

I guess I can just hope that someday, there will be a new person who will choose to fill that space, and will like being there and want to stay there.

I guess it is what it is until then.

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