I know I wrote some time back about how the less I thought of K, the worse it made me feel that not even a jerk would want to put up with me… that not even a user who was winning easily would want to put up with me enough to keep using me.
And a bit more recently, about how I somewhat blame myself for being too easily lead into love, and too unlikely to defend my own self interests after that point hits.
But this week I’ve found a new angle of being mad at myself… in that, the less I think of him, the less I think of myself for being emotionally stupid enough to still care.
I know… the caring is a natural thing, to some extent a good sign of attachment that it doesn’t fade easily…. and yes, the intensity has dropped greatly.
But feeling like I was having over christmas still make me mad at myself for having them…. and the more I accept that he’s as much captain hook as prince charming, the more I get mad at myself for being dumb enough to care for someone who is a jerk even after I know darn good and well that they are one, and would only hurt me again given the chance.
It may be a good thing that I’m able to care and not have it easily disappear… but theres a point where it becomes a bad thing that i can’t not care when the point has been reached where that seems to be the sane response.
I hate that he’s treated me cruelly, I hate that I’ve let him be cruel to me even when I had little to go on to have known to guard better….
And I hate that I still care about him, miss him especially his friendship, and even that I think about him anymore, when I know none of those three apply the other direction.
Somehow that hatred just makes the round of depression even worse… and the urges for non-beneficial behavior even harder to resist.
But then, that’s pretty much normal anymore.