I explained the last post… partially just to get into this post.
Something sort of odd occurred to me a few days ago.
The whole last year (and some) has been a lot of emotionally all over the place.
The highest high points of my life, the lowest lows. The most happiness, the most hurt. By far more tears in some months than in my entire rest of my life combined.
And they still come. Not usually K related anymore. Just there.
The emotions this year have been in overdrive.
As I’ve said a bit in the last weeks, I’m tired of it.
As I said in the last post, every time I think I’m being an absolute emotional mess, I dump in on one of the therapists… and they’ve pretty much told me just about every time that what I’m feeling is a normal reaction. That’s been a theme that just keeps running through this round of therapy.
But somehow…. a few days ago…. it just of hit me in a different way.
I realized… every time that I think I’m an emotional basketcase…. I’m generally just having a justified and reasonable emotional reaction.
But flip that.
Every time I have a normal emotional reaction that’s intense, I feel like I’m a complete basketcase.
I see having intense emotions as being a mess…. rather than being normal.
I see these emotions still being more sharp than usual as being a sign that I’m broken and messed up…. while multiple therapists basically keep point blank telling me that they are normal and just to feel them and work through them.
Maybe a part of that is the struggles with the anxiety attacks…. where intensity really was abnormal and a sign of issues needing resolved.
But I think maybe part of it really is just going back to dysfunction.
Going back to where only adults were allowed to be mad, and being sad or upset was being a pain, and where being hurt by cruelty was being a baby and completely blown off.
Mentally, maybe somewhere the connection still thinks that emotion=wrong.
Maybe that means that this is normal.
Maybe what seems like such touchy emotions is actually only feeling that dramatic to me because I’m so used to my emotions being dampened…. of having to stop and listen intentionally to figure out how I’m feeling sometimes.
What if this is what normal is?
It’s honestly a bit scary to think about.
But, to say that I’ve been emotionally stretched this year is an understatement. For better or worse, I’d let myself trust and attach to K and to deeply love and feel loved by him in ways that I can honestly say that nobody has won my trust before…. to places that I’ve never been before, both in the wonderful good times and the horrible bad times.
My biggest dreams and worst fears have come true… and both have passed.
It then doesn’t seem too far fetched to imagine that being stretched that far would break some ties and mess with some barriers… do some rearranging.
Every time I get hit with an emotion of fair intensity… I see it as a sign of how far from getting back to normal I am…. of how far from healing I am.
But.. I know that when I’m being objective… my sense of normal never was normal. It was a place that was growth from the days of feeling no emotions, but a place that still showed scars.
What if what I think of as mess, is actually just the messiness of human life?
What if this new place… isn’t actually a place of woundedness, but a place where healing is showing through?
What if this new normal… really is normal? (Or, at least… more normalish.. lol)
It’s sort of a scary thought to think that this might be here to stay.. even when I know it’s actually probably more healthy to be feeling even when sometimes overly intense than it is to be not feeling.
I’m still not sure I like the change… even if it is though.