This year, new years has been calm.
Last year I had to work until midnight, so that not being a factor is always an improvement!
None the less, it’s hard not to think back to the status I posted last new years, about how happy I was, and just want to knock some sense into my lovestruck head.
Thinking back, memories get rewritten.
Last year, the original plan had been for K to come up to where I worked, as we could log out 5 minutes before, and thus he could be there with me and mutual friends at midnight, and then we could go do something afterwards.
But as the time grew close, plans never got firmed up, and then he texted me that he was sick and so was going to stay home.
At the time, I felt bad for him.
It never actually crossed my mind that he might just be playing me.
But with what I’ve seen since, my guess is that he actually wanted to send it with his boys, and decided it was easier to play sick than to tell me… even though I would have completely understood, especially when I was working until just shy of midnight.
I must have seemed really gullible.
It’s hard not to just beat myself up for being gullible… for being stupid… for being trusting…
But an interesting thing helped the other day.
Facebook has this thing that when you click it, it gives highlights for your year in pictures.
Well, as far as I can tell, it seems to go by number of likes… as the latter half of the year, the only thing it was showing was a lot of crochet items… which do usually get a lot of likes.
But the first part, was pretty much all K.
Pics of us together… pics I’d taken on dates… pics of the not too pretty cake I’d made for valentines.
I hadn’t really thought about it before I clicked it… or I wouldn’t have clicked it.
But, surprisingly, this didn’t actually make me cry.
Instead… it had a sort of weird effect…. that made me feel like going "See? I wasn’t just imagining things. That did happen. I didn’t just imagine it. My memory didn’t just make it up in a fit of delusional wishful thinking."
Because it’s easy to feel like I did.
To feel like I just missed the obvious non-love and cold hearted manipulations… like I was just so very desperate for love as to be completely delusional and see things that were not there in the least bit to the outside observer.
I look in these pics…. and I saw someone who was putting on his very best act. I saw someone whose eyes didn’t have the same sort of distant far off detachment look that they do in a lot of the more recent pics I’d seen before unfriending him.
And I saw me… happy.
Maybe he never cared about me in the least bit… but he did play it well, and he did make me very happy being with him.
Sometimes it’s hard to remember that anymore…. when the feelings seem to mainly circle around negative feelings…. those of being lonely and of missing him… or those of being hurt because he doesn’t have anything positive in his heart towards me and probably never did.
But, once, I felt otherwise…. completely and whole-heartedly.
I’m too gullible and let myself trust him too easy… but his act did happen. It wasn’t without basis that I fell and hard. There was a reason. The act was good. And it felt amazing.
Even when it feels like I brought it all on myself by my own flaws and needs.