Ok.. so it’s been about 4 days for the shock to wear off and my thoughts to settle a bit.
(Somehow, a new mess was not quite what I had in mind in getting less K thoughts. lol)
As you can expect, they have been all over the place.
Initially, it was just sort of "Really?? Seriously?? Can I not manage to jump from the frying pan into the fire??"
And, like in the post before I started explaining the story… wondering what in the heck is up with my horrible horrible taste in men to manage to draw this awful twice in a row, when neither of them had particularly big warnings at the get-go of getting to know them.
And a feeling like maybe I just need to curl up in a ball, protect my heart, and just write off relationships as something I’m not strong enough to handle on being able to defend myself once someone gets a bit of trust.
And that maybe being alone for my life is a mercy granted by God knowing that and protecting me from what the consequences would be otherwise.
And then, especially with the recent discussions of deserving to be treated better than with the captain side of K… making me wonder if maybe I’m wrong about feeling like I do deserve better.
I have a neighbor that firmly believes that his house is worth 120k, because of the base price of homes in the area, plus the value of improvements he’s made… but every time he tries to sell it, he never gets offers over 80k. How much he thinks it’s worth really doesn’t matter, if the only offers being made are 80k, 80k is the worth.
Maybe if all I get is guys who are messed up in the head, but I’ve been happy with them, maybe that’s really what I ought to be considering on value?
Right now, my thoughts are sort of yo-yoing.
On one side… the thinking is:
There are few things that create more harm than sexual things with a minor. Block calls, alert neighbors to keep eye on house… maybe even alert the dating site?
On the other side:
He really did seem to be a good guy. Other than the offender listing and roommate weirdness, I’d have not had qualms about things moving forward, and the offender listing limiting location he is allowed to live may explain the still living with the wife.
Because I was really liking him and things really did seem to be going well, part of me feels like if I decide I can’t deal with it, I need to let him know why… that it wasn’t anything he said or did while with me… but then, I wonder how many times he’s heard that, over and over. He probably expects it anymore and assumes it even without contact.
Maybe it’s from dealing with K being a mess… but part of me sort of feels like I’m not being fair to Cr because of that line of thinking. How many times has he been completely written off instantly… when he actually does seem to be a nice guy.
I mean, society sort of expects sex offenders with minors especially to be lowlifes who have no worth to society, and cheers when people take justice into their own hands against them. It says why should I worry about hurting his feelings when he hurt someone else in such a way, feelings of sex offenders don’t count.
But, Cr is intelligent, well spoken and well dressed, is sweet and kind to everyone I saw him interact with, is gainfully employed and in a supervisor position at that, owns a house, is apparently an active church member, and hasn’t been in legal trouble in this state since.
And even in spite of the restrictions on jobs and such that would make that a much harder task than the average person would have. Heck, I’ve known people with felonies from things like DUI’s and such that can’t even get jobs to overlook that.
It seems like that sort of thing should make a difference…. that he hasn’t just given up and assumed he doesn’t have a shot when society won’t even let him have a facebook account for fear he’ll use it to hurt people. Like he should get some sort of credit for not just being a drug addicted homeless guy who doesn’t even try to find work or a purpose or to stay out of legal trouble. For not being what society expects him to be.
But then the thinking flips back to:
I have a daughter. If it was an issue then, there’s a good likelihood it’s still an issue to some degree even if managed currently. Do I really want to risk getting involved? How would I feel if she had been the victim? Could I really handle the knowing that I’d probably not ever feel safe to the point of being willing to ever have things progress to living together until she was out on her own which could be more than a decade in the future? And being massively optimistic, someday maybe even having grandchildren kept at a distance because of him?
And so then we’re back to: There are few things more evil in the world than a child molester. What in the heck am I even thinking even considering this??
At the moment… I think if I didn’t have a child, honestly, I’d probably at least hear him out.
But it scares me that part of me does want to.
As it is… I’m leaning more towards not thinking I will say anything to him… and just assume that he already has a good idea why I didn’t respond. Because I know with caring about him, and the way things were progressing, that my leaning is going to be towards wanting to assume the best… to buy any story he’d give me… to want to be finding a way to justify it to let things move forward.
Even as creeped out as I am in the more sane moments that the thought would even occur to me.