It’s hard not to make a comparison between the situations with Cr and K.
Cr is sort of the light version of the K dilemma… But with less friendship complications and emotional ties.
Both basically came down to the same core questions about love in spite of big issues that mean doing so would be at the expense of long term well being, but bring short term happiness.
If you look at my post on christmas, even my prayers were rather similar to those when K and I became friends.
At times when debating dating again, I’d made comments to different people that I really couldn’t do too much worse than K. When you look at his life objectively on paper, he’s an absolute mess.
One of those people has since mentioned that statement, and said "see? you can do worse if not careful".
But I’m not too sure they are right.
Cr does have his life together in a tangible way, in a way that K likely won’t for at least another 8 years or so, if he even chooses to after that.
Obviously Cr has some sort of very deep very large issue…. which like K is probably more from something that happened to him more than it is something that he deliberately chose.
But then I really have no idea exactly how deep K’s issue goes. I know it runs deep though that it scares him…. And I know from what I’ve read that it wouldn’t be unusual with that diagnosis for him to be having things as exteme as blackouts that he doesn’t remember upto days at a time, delusions of things that aren’t there, hearing voices of various sorts, or having perceptions of reality that don’t match what everyone else sees.
Knowing that, I still wanted to be with him. Knowing that it would be choosing a hard route with little benefit to me.
Given that I’m not a 9 year old, Cr’s harm to me would likely have been more through indirect harm.. where K’s captain mode directly attacked me with a random hatred.
So really… Looking at all things in a detached way.. I was probably worse off with K than I would have been with Cr.
And yet, I decided I couldn’t handle Cr’s issues, even as I wanted to stay with K in spite of his if he had let me.
But… I loved K.
I still care about his well being when I shouldn’t, and still miss his friendship in my life.
I wonder if I had waited longer before finding out Cr’s issues.. for the love to have created a deeper attachment, if it would have changed things.
It very well may have.
But in a way it’s sort of nice to have a light version… with someone that I did actually really like… but wasn’t really truly in love yet.
Because it sort of shows what my choice with K might have been someday when the feelings faded and things got hard and love was a choice rather than a natural response.
Love overcomes a lot… but maybe not so much when that love is only from one side and is intermittent from the other due to battles with issues.
So maybe Cr is sort of the control case of seeing the result had I not already been where things were with K.
In any case… It also makes nice proof of concept of sorts… That love can happen again.
For a while, I was pretty doubting on that.
Now just a question of if it actually will.
is it selfish to ask for someone somewhat sane this time when I’m sort of a mess myself? Lol
what can top a child molester? I suppose I can see if I can find a serial killer…