So… I did make the decision to contact Cr, to have a conversation with him either online or by text.
Because, I did rather like him, and enjoy my time with him… and while I don’t think I can deal with a long term relationship or with keeping enough detachment, I don’t think that he’s 100 % monster with no feelings worth respecting.
Massive big issues obviously… but not pure monster that he’s pulled his life together.
He chose not to respond. I’m sure by my silence earlier, he already had a pretty good idea what I’d found out and what was coming.
I wish he would have… but I can understand. I know, he’s probably heard it a million times.
But it’s felt very quiet today.
It’s funny though how quickly you get used to someone in your life. I mean seriously.. he was only actively in my life for a week and a half.
But, I do sort of miss the time with him.
But its a completely different type of missing him than the feelings with K were.
With K, it was a longing for him again…. whether as a bf or more importantly back as my friend like he was even before we dated.
With K, essentially it ended up being grieved as a sort of a death…. that he chose to cut off the part of the life we had together… and so it had so much of a feeling of senseless loss to it. That I wanted it back so very bad, but that I had to accept that he’d chosen to be dead to me.
With Cr, it’s a touch sad… but there’s none of the longing feeling there. I wish things hadn’t been as they were…. but they are what they are… and there’s never going to be a way to change that.
I miss hanging out with him and talking with him…. but I don’t want to return to it.
It’s a little bit sad.
It’s a bit lonely.
But, like with the ending with the other guy who never actually got a nickname here, it’s probably actually a good sign. A sign of progress that it isn’t feeling tragic or bitter at losing the new times of happy spells.
But I’m still a touch scared of what lurks within the next guy I start really liking. lol