Who do I want to be?

So.. with the knee injury, it ended up being a good thing that I didn’t go back to school this year. I’d have had to drop out again anyway.

But… it still sort of leaves open the question of what I want to do now.

What direction now?

The current job is good for now… but I know won’t be a forever thing.

But what do I want to do?

Where do I want to be?

And to some extent, even, who do I want to be? What do I want my life to look like?

I’ve thought that I’ve known… several times in my life. But life shifts and changes so much… I’m not even all that sure anymore.

Sometimes I just sort of feel like every time I think I have an idea as to what things are supposed to look like… what life is going to be…. just as I think I see a goal in mind and the general direction to get there… it’s a sure bet that it’s going to change completely.

The minute I think I have an idea… a vision… I blink and it’s all gone.

I do believe there is a plan… but it’s always so hard when I feel like I don’t know what the next step is… what direction to move… where to start running towards.

I don’t have a problem with the hard work to get to a goal… I just feel like I have no idea what to even aim at applying it towards… after the whole 3 years, massive effort, and thousands of dollars left me with no real progress to show for it.

I never thought as a kid or teen deciding what I wanted to do that I would ever feel as clueless as I do sometimes.

I thought I knew… I thought I had my goals in mind… I thought I was doing all the right things…

And somehow… it leads here.


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