And so… today was also interesting.
Followed by my tire deciding to give up on me in 5pm traffic on a busy street.
Normally, I can handle my own flat tire. But, with my knee, it was killing me to try to get the lugnuts loose.
So I called my brother… usually the reliable one who will help (at the cost of having him secretly resent it)… only to have him swap corners into persecutor mode and go off on me about old family issues having absolutely nothing to do with anything.
But today… was different than yesterday.
In spite of the day being a 8 or 9 on the scale, it got the response of a situation ranking about 4.. the exact opposite of yesterday.
I stood my ground with my brother, knowing my stance on the issues and sticking to it. No tears.
I found a new solution on the lugnuts in the form of finding something to sit on… and managing to use two arms and one leg to get most of them loose… and basically just throwing my gut onto the iron to finally get the remaining two.
Knee is killing me, hand is scraped up…. but I got it.
There were a few minor tears of frustration… but, well, that seems entirely appropriate for the situation.
But no emotional tidal wave like yesterday by any means.
But, like in most cases like this… when I know I should be proud of myself for handling a situation… for being capable of taking care of myself and standing on my own… that’s not really the feeling.
Instead, it feels rather alone to need to…. like there is something defective with me that I have to be on my own with things where most people would have help. Like what in the world is so horribly wrong with me that nobody who would care has the slightest interest in doing so.
I wonder… if I’d been skinny and/or in heels and a business dress… if someone would have stopped to help with getting the bolts loose.
If I’d been rich and/or powerful, no doubt I’d had people glad to be asked a favor in exchange for my returning it later.
Instead of being proud that I didn’t need anyone, even with my leg being hurt and seriously mad at me for the abuse I gave it… instead, I wonder how I screwed up so bad in life as to not have the option, to not be worth the help.
I’d be the first to admit that I’m a mess sometimes… but then, I know plenty of huge messes that have people more than willing to have their back even when they’ve created the problem themselves by bad choices that they knew were bad but made anyway.
Sometimes I’ve even been crazy enough to be the one willing to help them. It’s not like I don’t help others… sometimes I think I have "tender hearted sap" on the back of my head or something.
So, yeah. Today was a really bad day.
But I handled it. I can take care of myself. I am strong and competent… to both change a tire while still dealing with an injury and to stand my ground in the face of drama… and was not a wailing weeping mess.
I may be on my own in life and feel a bit like a reject that I am.. but I still have reason to be proud that I can be… and can still thrive even if I never have anyone who really has my back.
I’m rather sore… physically and emotionally… but not as weak as I think I am sometimes with either one. If you can’t be loved, at least be tough?
I’m just pretty glad that the emotional mess drained the dam yesterday…. cuz the one had it broken today with that intensity mixed with actual cause would have been pretty catastrophic.