Dream fulfillment vs parent guilt

So… more than a year and a half ago, I started a blanket.

For me.

I’d fallen in love with the yarn years before… and always wanted to do a blanket for me with it instead of just baby blankets, but could never justify it.

When I started the new job, I started justifying it as something to keep me awake… but initially, I still sort of planned to do a lap blanket.

But that wasn’t what I really wanted.

So, I’d decided to make a full sized blanket eventually… the size of my comforter.. and started buying the yarn gradually.

Being a fat girl… and a side sleeper… I wanted to add a couple of feet to the side anyway to allow more leeway to spread out without pulling the blanket to where it didn’t still cover the bed… and where I frequently pull my arm up under the pillow, a bit to the length to be able to pull the blanket up without uncovering my feet.

But then came K.. the boy who told me stories of the day when we’d be living in the same home… the boy that I curled up with to watch movies, and knew someday I’d want to have a large blanket to wrap around both of us on a cold night to watch a movie.

And so… my blanket plans changed…. and I’d decided to add about 4 feet to the side. To have a nice big blanket to be able to stretch out, and to be able to keep two large sized adults warm while cuddled together.

So… all of this to say… the blanket plans are larger than is technically required.

I decided to keep it that way… partially because I already had all the yarn and some of the squares made…

And partially knowing that I’ll probably never make a blanket for myself again. It’s a large, expensive project. It’s not something you really repeat.

So I want to make it the blanket that I really want… if I’m only going to do it once, to do it right.

And there is still a fragment in me that hopes someday there will be a new companion to snuggle under it with me on a cold winter day… and maybe possibly even someday further down the road on a cold night.

So… I’d finished the squares recently… and started assembling them.

And about that point, my daughter really noticed them. (Yes, they’ve been around forever, but she hadn’t really paid attention to them when they were just squares.)

But, now that I have a few rows together.. I’m ending up with a kid parked on them… telling me she wants a blanket… and looking at my bagged rows waiting to be done, and knowing that there’s enough squares that I’ve got some that I could spare if I wanted to.

And I could.

If I dropped my blanket back down to the size of my full comforter, I’d have enough to do a 5 by 7 that would just work on her twin bed.

And I feel like I should. I mean, it’s not like it would hurt me to do so… I can do it. Circumstances has changed.

But I also really don’t want to. I want it to be the blanket that I really truly want if I’m going to all of this time and effort to make it. I want a large blanket that I can stretch out… and hopefully someday share.

If I’m doing it, I want it to really be the blanket of my dreams.

But I feel guilty deciding to do so.

I mean, I do have the ability to give my kid what she wants… and the only reason to not do so is because I don’t want to.

But… on the other hand… she doesn’t really need it.

She has two sets of comforters here, both bought in the last couple of years, and an electric blanket… and also has another bedding set and electric blanket at my moms.

I’ve had the same comforter since at least 2005. I bought a new fuzzy blanket last winter…. and had bought Boo one at the same time that she never uses.

And she does have a collection of items that I’ve made for her already.

Until I did a shrug recently… I’d never actually even made anything for myself.

Maybe part of it is being a single parent… but these sorts of decisions kill me. I feel like I’m not going to be happy either way.

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