So… therapist had asked me to define lonely. What does it mean when I say I’m feeling spells of loneliness? What does that feel like?
Have I mentioned that I’m kind of getting weary of digging and unravelling roots of things? Yeah.. of questions like this too. lol
But I guess it’s a good point… so since might as well put my answer here too.
To me… there’s sort of actually two different elements of it on the surface.
I’d initially be tempted to call it feeling alone when I’d rather not be. And that fits some of the time.. like in dealings with a tire that I honestly needed help with… weekends that I’d rather be doing something with someone… that sort of situation.
It’s just a sort of a sad, longing for company. Sort of the opposite of companionship.
But that doesn’t really cover it… because, honestly, some of the times I feel lonely the strongest are the times that I’m with other people.
Sometimes in a crowd like at church… and sometimes just with friends or family.
Those times… are more a sort of feeling like I’m an alien blob more than a human. That I’m just different… on a different wavelength… that I don’t fit.
It’s not so much a lack of presence… but of connection. But beyond that even, or feeling like there’s much hope of connection to aim for it.
This one has especially taken a whole new life after the whole K thing. Yeah, I know.. nobody gets it that there is still any positive regard for the jerk at all anymore, and feels like it should have completely left my mind by about the end of May. But that doesn’t change the place I’m at, nor my decision to work through the emotions rather than just pushing them to the side to force forward…. and so… sometimes I just sort of feel like my world runs on a different language, a different setting entirely…. like theres a language barrier that isn’t something that I’m going to be able to correct by just faking it.
It’s partially feeling disconnected… sort of an involuntary lack of connection? But it’s also just an element of just feeling different in the core.
It isn’t so much the isolation… physical or connection-wise… or even the feeling alone in the moment.
It’s the feeling that the alone in the moment is reflective of being alone in the world.
The thing that fixes it isn’t usually just time with people. More often than not, that actually makes it worse.
It’s the feeling like someone gets it… or at least has the potential to partially get it and chooses to try.
And that feeling lasts even when they aren’t around me. Even under the same circumstances that felt lonely before.
While both K and D were very imbalanced relationships… they both did very well at creating that feeling (whatever their intentions by doing so).
And to some degree, I think that’s what Cr was doing right as well.
It’s not so much that it was male attention… it’s that he was choosing to try to get it. That he cared, had positive feelings, and wished to understand more rather than to just make notes on how much I’m a mess.
That I think would have had the same effect had it been female, or had it been a completely non-dating style of relationship. But maybe, the dating mindset sets the stage for that a whole lot easier than trying to just figure out who is a true friend worth trusting in the general friendship realm.
And, of course, being a Christian, I know that’s something that I should be able to say I can draw just by being a child of God. And maybe I could if… I don’t even know how to end that. If I had any idea how? If I had more spiritual wisdom? If I wasn’t such a mess? If I knew what I was doing? If I didn’t have my fair share of scar tissue? If… if I were just something that apparently I’m not right now?
I know he does understand. I know he does love me. I know he does have a plan.
But somehow, that doesn’t make me feel much less like a disconnected alien on her own this side of heaven… as much as I wish it did.