Wanting walls

Sometimes… I don’t want normal.

I want my walls back.

I want to go back to not feeling.

I want to go back to not being emotionally effected the vast majority of the time by the fact that for most practical purposes, I’m on my own and probably always will be.

Right now, I’ve got drama on several fronts… and some bad news…. none of which I really feel comfortable posting publicly just yet.

It’s one of those times when I really miss the caring support I didn’t have. That I still don’t have. That I probably won’t have.

Somewhere that’s just completely safe to just curl up and cry.

Sometimes, I just don’t want to want it.

I want to go back to being the young adult who knew that for most practical purposes she’d do best to consider herself an orphan and just become as tough as she could to rely on any other human as little as possible… or to be able to hire the ones that did need to be relied on.

Sometimes… I’d rather go back to being hurt and hardened.

Cuz when there isn’t a soft place to rest, hurt without the hardened shell being at full force to stand guard just really hurts worse and makes the wounding worse.

Sometimes a stuffed bear just isn’t enough.

But if it’s all you’ve got… it hurts a lot less when you’ve given up on having more and made peace with the fact that you are all you’ve got… than it does when the want is there but never fulfillable, and just creating extra hurt from the wanting.

Sometimes I want to have just given up on humanity and get my safe wall back fully fortified. Yes, it’s alone in there… but it’s not any less alone with defenses down.

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