Embers

I was trying to do a notecard fire in my fireball, and it wasn’t going well.

A notecard fire is similar to burning a letter…. but more like a conversation… with God, the world in general, or someone in particular.

Instead of writing a full letter… you sit before the fire with paper and pen…. writing a thought or a sentence… and giving it to the fire… and repeating.

It had first been suggested to me by a counselor…. as with some people like my dad, it’s hard to really write out thoughts into a letter when they werent someone who had been given access to my heart. It’s easier to just write a phrase or short sentence, disconnected from the previous ones… a thought and feeling all its own.

To me, it’s a lot easier than a letter…. with prayer and such I’m usually phrases and meditation style rather than sentence and structure, so this is more similar.

And sometimes its a more concrete version of prayer when things aren’t going well emotionally.

So, it had been a stressful week, and emotionally, I just needed this… and practically, this was the only night I could really do it because of other things going on.

But… it was cold, and windy… and sort of damp.

Even with moving my ball over to a more wind protected location, it just wasn’t going well.

I got it going briefly twice… but soon, I was staring at embers… burning, but not fire… not catching into the wood chunks from the kindling… and I pretty much feeling like crying.

I sat there for about 5 minutes… trying to see if I could make it work… and I prayed, asking just "Do I give up?".. wonder whether to keep trying to get the wood to take, or to just go inside and cry.

A minute or two later, the nudge finally came… saying "You only rely on embers when you have no other options."

Could my embers have finally taken off and turned into the flames I needed? Yes. They were burning. There was heat there. Nobody would say there wasn’t a chance…. forest fires have started from less.

But.. I had other options that I could be trying, that had the potential to be answers to getting the fire going more easily than fighting my embers into flame.

I went inside, got cardboard, and soon had a small fire going. Not the fire I’d hoped for, but given the conditions, the best I was going to get.

But, how many places am I dealing with embers in my life?

Is it possible to return to school? Maybe. But is it really something that is going to be worth the difficulty if there are other options? I don’t know.

A lot of the family stuff can basically boil down to dealing with embers. Is there something there that might possibly have hope? Yes. I can’t deal with it by pretending its cold ashes. But nor is it the fire that I need in my life… it doesn’t serve the purposes that I need it to serve…. it might someday be able to be fanned into flame with some good degree of luck and a lot of effort, but is it really the most efficient way to fill that need?

If I want fire… I might be doing better to be looking for better kindling.

Just easier said than done.

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