Hell yes to silence

There is a saying that comes up in discussion of consent, that says that the answer is either "hell yes" or "no".

Meaning, that unless than answer is a very enthusiastic yes, then the answer is no. There is no grey area.

It does make sense the more than it gets explained. Because, really, how much fun is anything with a partner that is reluctant or anything less than eager to be there?

It’s not always a permanent no… given time and attention, things can change into a place where there is an enthusiastic yes… but until it does, anything less is an automatic no.

But, I read somewhere where someone suggested that this actually applies to every stage of the relationship, with the same logic. Who wants to date someone who isn’t all that sure that they want to date you? Each stage, both people need to be enthusiastically ready to move forward to a new stage, or it just isn’t going to be very enjoyable for either one.

Several people said as much in different ways in the whole situation with K.

But, honestly, I was in a place where I was totally ok with that.

I was totally ok with getting scraps of what I deserved rather than being treated like his cherished one. Something was better than nothing, and even a K who kept changing his yeses into nos was still better to me than no K at all.

Not that my choice mattered, but…

But, it’s there’s more to it than that.

Because the more thought about it… the more I realized that’s exactly my friendship issue that I’ve been attempting to sort out for years.

I know that many of the people that I have called my closest friends, didn’t consider me to be as important in their wider circle of friends as I considered them in mine.

My enthusiastic yes to their friendship was met with "when its convenient", "eh, I guess so", and a seeming yes followed by actions that didn’t match.

But through the K experience, I’ve discovered how many more of them it was really an answer of
"as long as you have no real active drama"
or "as long as you bounce back quickly and don’t get emotional"
or "as long as you stay always being the one who is full of encouragement and humor to distract me"
or "as long as you follow my advice and do what I think you should do"
or "as long as you always act like a calm mature person even when you feel like you are falling into pieces"

I know it’s not as obvious on here, where I tend to be a lot more brutal… but nobody is really used to me showing a depressed side… let alone that deep..

Someone told me that with K it would never be a balanced relationship because I would always have to be the strong one. But ya know what? That’s honestly most of my friendships.

I’m the one who listens to years of whining about husbands being jerks… but then, when I can’t keep my own even keel anymore, it becomes very apparent very fast how lopsided some things were.

To be clear, the depression isn’t from K. It’s just something that was already getting worse after the school failure, and was always in the background, and just couldn’t be held out of sight after the K emotional crisis. Plus, the relationship with him was helping a ton by giving me a lot of happiness to balance the scales.

And after that explosion… well.. why even try to shove it back under the carpet?

I’ve never been good with small talk anyway… but especially when depressed.

But right now, when some days it’s enough of a task to haul my butt out of bed?

Well, it comes down to just not caring anymore.

Why always be the one making the effort to call?

Why bother listening to someone whine about how crummy various things are in their life when I know they don’t want to listen to mine?

Why bother making posts public here if they aren’t concerned enough about life to ask me how things are going when I don’t give them an easy way to just get straight to the good parts they want to discuss?

Why force small talk if people aren’t going to seek out conversation with me?

Why ask people for input and wisdom if they aren’t going to be ok even if I screw everything up and do everything they told me not to?

Why was I putting up with it? Well, because, like with K, I knew I was the lesser one. The one who was ok with scraps because it meant friendship even if not good friendship.

I was getting my crumbs out of it.

But right now… when I just don’t really care about much?

It’s just not worth the effort to me anymore. Right now, I just have no desire to be the one running the initiative on anything.

I’ve pretty much gone to a system of only speaking when spoken to. If people want to talk to me, they will call/message/whatever.

It’s been very very quiet.

Sort of sad… but I’m mostly ok with that

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The church of disco balls and chocolate milk

And on the topic of new places and toughing out fears of new places…

We switched churches.

Yeah, that one has been coming for about 5 years or so… so I’m sure the only shock is that we actually did it rather than just talking about it.

So, none of the issues were really new things… just lots of the same old things… not feeling like I belonged there… the aftermath of the not so distant church split… the one pastor of the three that I was really into their sermons left…

But, honestly, it really boiled down to two things…

One, my kiddo had always been close with the childrens program leaders (a large part of why we stayed previously) but with moving up to the youth group she never really developed much connection, so she was rarely cooperative on getting up to go… but I can’t say I blamed her much.. I found myself wanting to leave after the worship portion of the service..

And the other, as mentioned a bit before, was a complete lack of anyone asking or seeming to care that we’d been gone extendedly from my knee injury. Obviously, we weren’t missed… even the church members who were my friends on facebook never said a word even around with the surgery.

I’m all for loyalty and trying to tough it out through the harder spells with a church… but ya know what? It’s been 9 years.

I just didn’t have a good reason to go anymore.

And so we began the search. Ok, mostly I began the search… researching online, listening to online sermons, checking a few services out by myself..

And nothing really wowed me. At all.

Nothing really said this is home… this is where you belong.

I did discover that after being with the vineyard denomination for so long, I’m very spoiled on worship.

Nowhere else goes even remotely as long… and I’m used to a lot of the vineyard, bethel, hillsong, style of songs… maybe dipping into Christian radio songs as far as chris tomlin, but that’s about the extent. Very, well, all absorbing songs, but usually fairly simple and repetitive to learn.

But, really, the worship was the only thing really doing any good for either of us at vineyard… and I’ve got my mp3s.. so I sort of realized anywhere we went was probably going to be different in that aspect.

So, the search wasn’t pulling up much of any real draw anywhere.

One of the few people who really talked to me at vineyard had left a year or so earlier over some completely different issues… and knew that I was looking, and tagged me in some of her facebook posts about her new church’s services… so we decided to try it out.

I gave kiddo the option to come along, because she knew them as well, so she decided to tag along on this first trip, even though I hadn’t taken her along on the others figuring that I wanted to get a good read of the place before seeing how that went.

And thus we ended up at life.church.

Normally I try to keep things a bit more vague around here… but when that really doesn’t narrow it down and leaves 25 possible cities, well, I’m just not going to bother this round.

Life.church is quite possibly the least likely candidate that would have been on any list of where we would end up.

It’s just not anywhere that I would have really considered much at all.

For those not familiar with it, it’s a "multiple campus" church, with church locations in 24 (soon to be 25) cities. The sermon is given in a main church, the rest are via video after the live worship band on-site.

In theory, I usually fall on the side of the objections on the idea of multi-site churches… that new leaders can and should be brought up and learn to teach rather than just using one person’s message for many places… and to allow the speaker to better be able to gauge the flow and response of their entire audience and flex as needed.

In practice…. it’s not nearly as odd feeling as I expected it to be.

Honestly, it’s not much different from the experience of having a bible study on dvd.

The main pastor for the campus is on site… does all the announcements and such, and the invitation and prayer sections after the main message are lead by him. The worship band is on site as well. So, it’s just sort of like a standard church using a video series…

Which I guess is essentially what it is… not sure why I expected it to be different… but I guess I expected it to just be more of a passive, observing type of feel.

But the whole feel of the church itself… honestly, the best way I can describe it is like a concert. (I don’t mean that as a negative at all, most of you know that some of my deepest experiences have been at worship concerts)

It’s a really big place. Even when you only look at our campus, a recent post listed the numbers as being 1700 adults and 400 kids between the two services.

So, it’s not too hard to slide around without being obvious as a newbie and being attacked by the greeters like some places. Even if they don’t know you, they just assume that you always go there and just haven’t been by them before.

It’s also dark… like a concert.

This probably should have been expected… I mean, they are using a video system, of course its going to be darkened in the room to see it… but I guess I just never thought about that.

Like a concert, this actually helps ease tension a bit. You can see enough to read or whatever, and you can see people around you… but there’s not the whole looking around checking what other people are doing or wearing or whatever.

It’s sort of a comforting thing… as odd as that probably sounds. It makes a giant place seem like just the area around you.

And it’s loud.

As in, there are ear plugs at the doors loud.

You can feel the vibration of the bass in your chest even sitting at the back loud.

Like a concert, nobody can hear how off key you are.

But, they do the stage lighting well… rather than bringing focus to the band members, its more lit like the background singers and band would be at a concert… the video screens not showing live video, but just lyrics and more artistic style video.

Which is part of the big thing that surprised me, and that is a big draw… and that’s that things are done very intentionally. They are very planned and thought out.

Ushers have a set method on helping people find seats in the dark. For the earlier seating, there are big curtains on each side that reduce the auditorium to half the capacity or so, then when it fills in, they start pulling them back to open the side sections as it fills, then when those fill, they go more like a movie theater usher and locate rows with empty seats to wave people into.

Parking is well designed, and also well managed to keep people flowing in one direction and going to the closest open space. Golf carts enclosed with plastic covers and with heaters going drive around to bring people from their cars and back when its cold if they are further out or have trouble with walking.

Everything just flows with a precision that is pretty impressive. Even the recent baptisms worked smoother than I’ve seen them go even with a much much smaller church.

But beyond the physical feel, the whole setup seems designed to be open and welcoming. Seeker friendly is almost a bad word anymore , but it does apply here. Even being so big, they do have community and they do small groups… but its more of a no-pressure, opt in style… more than the forced small talk in the name of fellowship style of setup.

In a way, the video sermon system actually helps the dynamics, leaving the on site pastor to focus more on shepherding. We’d actually met him a couple of times before I realized who he was… he’d just been in the lobby chatting like everyone else and introduced himself by just his first name, and we usually sit far enough back that we don’t really have the greatest view of his face when he’s on the stage. But it also helps that feelings towards the sermon aren’t getting directed at him either.. if you don’t like a point, its not his fault, and not going to be creating rifts with him.

The messages tend to be focused a lot more on life application… on how god matters to day to day life.. rather than getting into deep theology territory.

And, well, its fun. They don’t take life too seriously.

The Christmas eve service, we came in to the seats having cups, finger cymbals, and clappers on them…. and the service opened with the video screens showing each item, followed by a color… that turned into a guitar hero style audience play along with the music for several songs that was a blast. (Followed by having all the instruments picked up before it got too deep into serious songs and having them be a distraction.)

One morning, my daughter pointed out a disco ball on the ceiling, asking why it was there. I told her that maybe it was used for concerts of something. Oh no. Yes, they actually used a disco ball during the worship band. (Can’t even remember the song, but it was a verse about stars as the time, it made sense… ). Kiddo and I just looked at each other and laughed.

Super bowl sunday, the people directing traffic were dressed as referees. Which was only the beginning, as we walked into the lobby to find that it now had green astroturf marked as a field with 8 foot tall or so inflatable players on each side of the door, and tailgating tents had been set up over the area that usually has coffee and pastry stuff… which had been replaced with grilled hot dogs, bags of chips, and coolers of pop. The sermon that day featured tv commercials being played, followed by a biblical lesson that could be demonstrated by that commercial. (well, except the one that the head pastor admitted was just included cuz it was funny and he liked it.)

But, in the midst of the silliness… they also featured a message about domestic violence. One that had compassion for the abusers mentioning that most of them had probably been abused themselves and giving advice on seeking help. After the video feed cut back to the local pastor, there was a very specific woman on staff who was pointed out (with a light on her) as a specific point person to come and contact if you were being abused and needed help.. rather than just leaving it open to "talk to someone and seek help"

Another method of reaching out that surprised me is when the offering is collected… and it is openly stated each time that "if you are an adult in need of food, clothing, or shelter, you may take any loose cash to help meet your critical needs".

Does anyone do it? No clue… but ya know, I’m sure that there are people who have needed that help, and wouldn’t have ever been willing to go up to someone and admit that they were going hungry and needed help… or even just people that have needed to know its an option that’s there when they are getting close to that situation.

I’m thinking that most of my previous churches would have freaked about the idea of not having control and not having an exact count of giving vs help given to people rather than leaving it between god and the person.

But even as part of a larger whole.. youversion bible app (on about ever Christian’s smartphone) and bible.com is one of life.church’s ministries.. not to mention the big things they do in other cities. Rather than feeling like an overflow room for the main church, it feels that there really is a connected part of the whole, and actually feels like a good demonstration of how all churches are part of the larger body of Christ as a whole. It feels like our fairly new campus is just as much of the life.church whole and their ministries as the older locations.

The youth group is just as intentionally done, but beyond that, its able to be done in a way that most single churches could never dream. Things like custom produced video series forming a mystery story… custom printed shirts… computerized self-checkin systems.. it’s just sort of amazing to see how they manage to use resources to keep 75-90 kids drawn in… and to compare to how lifeless the youth group seemed at the old church.

And, that, is what ended up being the draw.

My kiddo doesn’t want to miss youth group.

My kiddo wants to go to sunday services.

We went to the first Christmas eve service (actually on the 23rd), and my kiddo was disappointed that we couldn’t come back and go again to one of the services on the 24th.

Getting a teenager to respond like that… is an accomplishment.

And honestly, that’s why we are attending life.church.

Everything else is nice… but, that’s the deal maker.

Taking some time to read about the church online, to read the anti-posts against the lead pastor and the whole idea of multi-church campuses… if I’d been going by my research I probably wouldn’t have gone. After a bit, I decided that I didn’t even really care anymore, surprising even myself with not even feeling like I needed to read through the lead pastor’s books that he has written and that sort of thing before entrusting our minds to his care.

I’d have probably considered the messages to be too focused on using the bible to support points rather than digging into a section verse by verse… would have written it off more as milk than meat.

And, maybe it is.

But right now… slogging through depression and just general life stuff.. my tummy is feeling a bit upset anyway. Milk feels like about my speed.

And if the appeal of the chocolate in the milk is getting my kiddo fed… well then that’s good enough for me right now.

I don’t know if we will stay here for the long run. Maybe when she gets a little older and things change in life, it won’t hold the same appeal anymore.

But for right now.. it’s a comfortable place to park it.

I don’t know if it’s home, but I do know that I’m far more at home and comfortable attending there in just a little while than the church where I’ve attended for years and years…

How an avoidant joins a gym

Sort of mentioned in last post about getting back into gym routine for getting the knee built up after physical therapy ended.

Which, well, is sort of a accomplishment not so much from the getting into the pattern, but just for getting in the door.

Right now… with things still acting up on both the depression and the anxiety… not only is there the whole weight of the world seeming to make it hard to even get moving at all, but then you get the irrational fear responses going off once you get going.

Here’s what it’s like to start going to a new gym when things are flared up…. See what I mean?

Phase 1: Decide on a new gym.
Research ever possible option, pros and cons of each, make a decision on which one is going to be best before even seeing anything beyond pictures, because the firm decision is needed as motivation later. A weak decision will give too much wiggle room of "maybe I should have tried the other one…". Yes, even if you should have tried the other one, the time to decide that will be much later. For now, the decision is firm.

Phase 2: Research.
Read every review. See every pic you can find. Scan back through posts on their facebook page, for years back. Hunt for blog mentions of it. Find lists of the equipment and brands. Find the brand website and look at pics of their versions of the machines, familiarizing yourself with any likely differences between the versions you are used to and their likely versions.

Phase 3: Scouting.
Begin driving by the location. For no real reason, not because you are stopping there just yet… just anytime you are in that side of town, swing past it. Just to get used to the area and the habit.

Phase 4: Park.
Just sit there. Not for any particular reason. Just read in the parking lot while you are waiting for your kid to get out of youth group. Just sit there for a bit to check facebook on your phone. Just sit there… becoming used to being there and giving time to feel less like you are a completely out of place duck out of water. Just be there.

Phase 5: Sign up online.
It’s less pressure… fill out the paperwork, make the first payment. Make the decision official.

Phase 6: Visit.
Wait a week or so after signing up to build up confidence. Go in, tell them you signed up online. Be wearing an outfit at the time that isn’t workout friendly, so there’s an obvious excuse why you aren’t going straight into a workout. Get your key badge and free shirt, have your picture taken. Walk a quick lap of the building, just seeing where the areas are, where the locker room is. Look inside the locker room to see its layout. Promptly leave. Sit in your truck for the next 10 minutes or so, catching your breath and calming the anxiety. Remind yourself that even if you just looked like a dork, it’s going to be ok, nobody cares who is a dork at a gym, and you accomplished something, even if it’s not much.

Phase 7: Warm up
Go to the gym, almost a week after the last walk through, and making sure its at a different time of day so the staff you felt like a dork in front of are not working at the time. Be already in appropriate clothing, and leave everything else in the truck. Sit on a bike and ride for half an hour, going slow but being more focused on looking around and calming yourself. Feel like an out of shape doof, but remind yourself that you are a member, you paid to be there, you have just as much right to sit there pedaling so slow that you feel like you aren’t doing much good at all… just as much right as the super athletic guy lifting weights and the skinny chicks with the fancy gymwear on the ellipticals. Give in to urge to flee, and reward yourself with something that has about 5 times as many calories as you burned for sticking with it and making progress.

Phase 8: Trial
A few days later, return again. Bring bag to place in locker to get used to locker room, but be already dressed to avoid changing in there yet. Ride same bike for about 10 minutes. Go through the weight machine circuit that you already know is going to be your plan, but instead of 3 sets, just do 1, and do it on a weight that is really too low for you, just for the getting the feel of it and figure out what seat settings you need. Flee, but not quite as shaken this time. You know these machines from other places. You know what you are doing. It’s your gym too now even if it doesn’t feel like it just yet.

Phase 9: Full run
Pick an intentionally sparse time when almost nobody is at the gym and when you have nowhere else to be later. Change in the locker room. Ride the same bike for about 10 minutes. Do the workout machine circuit, finding your actual weights. Take more time than you usually will by quite a bit, but do the full 3 sets. Walk on a treadmill for about 5 minutes, just long enough to be familiar with it but feel like you won’t look too ridiculous for how short you were on it even as a cool down. Do the same with the arc trainer. Get on the elliptical for about 30 seconds, long enough to figure out that your knee just isn’t going to be its friend, then get off, rubbing and stretching the knee more than it probably really needed just in case someone was watching and wondering what your deal was on giving up on it so quick. Sit in locker room for a bit texting on your phone after getting dressed, just to be in there and see the flow of it.

Phase 10: Settle in
Begin normal routine, including showering when going before work. Keep head down and earbuds in, focusing on what you are doing, not how many people are around you. Begin to feel that you are ok, that this is familiar turf now, but still get thrown off a bit when machines are down, or when you discover that the weight machines in the general area have completely different weight setting than the same machine does in the circuit area (Wonder why in the world they would do that…)

And take lots and lots and lots of deep breaths!

Reaching goals, finding goals

I can’t go to the gym to lose weight.

I’ve tried… it just doesn’t happen.

Something about knowing the chemical and hormonal things that are screwed up in my system, and knowing how futile it tends to be… it’s just not there.

But…

I have no problem with going to the gym regularly to try and build up my knee.

I know that if I don’t get the strength built back up now, it’s never going to be there, and it’s always going to be a problem.

I’m literally doing the exact same thing… the exact same times…

But, one feels pointless…. the other feels like a worthy goal that is attainable.

And that makes the world of difference.

Even when my knee is still frustrating me with how weak it is.

And even when the goal of strengthening the knee is sort of vague on when I’ll know when it’s reached… which is supposed to be something you avoid with goals.

It’s the same with eating healthy. Weight as a reason gets nowhere. Avoiding digestive upset and general feelings of ickiness? Much more attainable.

And even on financial sorts of things.

Saving for retirement? That’s a million years away, if I even live long enough to retire… if retiring is something that’s even possible for our generation by then.

But saving for tuition on going back to college? Much more worthy of the time and effort… and so much easier to do.

Big goals just don’t inspire me.

You put the carrot on too long of a stick, and it’s just not close enough to seem worth grabbing for.

I think this is part of my frustration with life stuff right now.

I feel like I have no way of knowing what’s around the corner, where the road leads… and so it’s hard to set a reachable goal when I don’t know what direction to go.

Will my leg recover enough to go back to school, and will the finances work with it, and would I be too long out of it to not remember enough of the material of the first year of specific classes that the last year builds on?

Will I find a stable, comfortable office job that pays enough and is steady and safe enough to call it a career even if it’s not the most exciting thing in the world?

Will I find something creative that honestly really gives me enjoyment that I’m good enough at, and creative enough for on an extended bases, that could actually also pay the bills?

Or is the path something completely different?

I can head off in one direction… but, I’m scared that like the return to school, it’s going to be something that turns out to be a massively huge waste of time and effort and money and get me nowhere.

But, not knowing where I’m going makes it a lot rougher to set goals to try to get there.

If I felt pulled in a specific creative direction, I could work on specific skills… but, improving on my painting helps very little if the path holds an office job.

Working on studying radiology and learning for myself to keep up and ready is a doable goal.. but… if that’s not in the eventual cards, its just sinking more time and effort into an already huge waste…

And it’s hard to feel like the goal is worthy of the effort towards it when it feels like it might be something that’s just a pointless distraction.

I don’t mind the hard work…

I can do the sacrifices…

But I wish I had somewhere that I felt like it was a worthy investment of the effort and dedication to pursue. Something I knew or at least felt strongly was going to be the productive path to take.

The doubt and lost feelings are just killing me on motivations and aims… at a time when I’m already feeling on the weary side.

Where

The realization of how close the end of the school battles race really is has sort of brought with it more weight.

I remember, way way back, when the baby fever was in its highest pitch…. thinking to myself, maybe… just maybe… when Boo is in college or working and mainly out of the house… maybe if I don’t have a baby by then, I can adopt.

It was one of those thoughts that I don’t think I ever told to another living soul.. but it was a nice way to pacify the longing… to stall with a future promise of other options.

But it seemed so far off… so long for things to change in my life.

4 years from now? yikes!

Financially…. it would be time to be preparing…

But that brings the wonder, would anyone even trust me with a kid?

Not just that I’d still be a single parent… but… it’d be different if I had well paying career, tons of supportive people in my life… a clear direction… some semblance of having my life together…

I don’t think I’d ever considered that I’d be entering the second half of my 30’s and still feel as clueless and frustrated as I was at that place in my 20’s.

Actually… with the tries and the fails, especially with the college attempt, honestly, I probably feel less together than I did then.

But here I am.

Life wasn’t supposed to be like this.

This was supposed to be the reason why I worked hard in high school… why I went on to college… why I never got into drugs or bars…

Making all the "good" choices was supposed to prevent being here.

But it doesn’t.

All the effort in jobs, in the second round of school…

How does it lead here instead of somewhere that looks like what life seems like it’s supposed to look like?

Sometimes I’m not all that sure that they trying even helped at all.

But more important… what now?

Where can I even get from here?

Is there even a path that doesn’t lead in a long, expensive, difficult circle right back into the wilderness?

I don’t know anymore.

But, as much as the longing still reawakens at times for a baby… as much as being around little kids makes it stir… as difficult as it is to consider being done with kids….

I don’t think where my life is right now is any place for a baby.

Maybe life will be different in 4 more years.

But the view from here doesn’t look promising.

Someday that always seemed so far away… so sure to be better… is looking a bit bleak with a closer view.

4 more

Somehow middle school disappeared on me.

I’m still trying to get used to not calling the elementary school when my kiddo is sick, how in the world am I doing high school enrollment?

She did get into the high school that she wanted to, which is both good and bad. Good because its one of the best schools in the state, but bad because its going to be a lot tougher than the regular, huge public high school she would have gone to.

But if she keeps things as she’s set up now, she’ll graduate with a magnet certificate in both engineering and biomed. A massive advantage…

But one that means a lot of math and science classes, with their homework… so… we will see.

My guess would be that she will eventually decide to do either the engineering or the biomed but not both after she sees how freshman year goes… but, its her choice… so if she wants to try both, she might as well go for it and change her mind later rather than to be pushed into one and later egret not having given the other a shot.

But… man… the past few years have snuck past in all the battles of the day to day life.

How in the world are we only 4 years from the end?

Granted, I expect she will likely continue past high school… but still…

It seems like just yesterday we were struggling through forcing motivation on a reluctant third grader and wondering if we were even going to make it past elementary school with adhd.

I think the challenge of this school is going to be good though… its going to be somewhere that she can’t just coast past. Right now, she knows that she’s smart enough that even if she doesn’t do the homework at all, she can still ace the tests, and the average of the two gets her past it.

But that’s not going to cut it in a science and technology focused school. (It also shares a campus with fine art and law… making for an interesting combination of available electives..)

We aren’t to the end yet…

But I guess this is the first time that I can say that I’ve had a glimpse that it isn’t as much left as it seems.

Mental cargo

There’s about 5 different things that I planned to write about… that I need to write about…

But they are all complicated, sticky, and long… so they are all still sort of in the air…

But, maybe that in itself is something to write about.

Long ago, I started telling people that if they wanted a good judge of my mental state at any given time, to just look in my car.

It’s still true today.

Much of the time it’s fairly clean… a contained bag of trash, a gym bag, a backpack…

But when life gets crazy… the car upkeep gets lost in the chaotic schedules and running around trying to keep everything else juggled.

When life is in a rough spot, about everything else hits as a higher priority, and so the clutter multiplies.

The same thing happens with my brain by the same spells of life. The lack of downtime to sort things out and put them in the right places makes for a swirl of chaos.

Some of it is trash… stuff that needs to be completely removed and kicked out… but to do that, you first have to sort it out from all of the gym bags and backpacks of things that are truly needed to be in the car/thoughts… and all of the things like books and yarn that are optional, recreational stuff that is good stuff, but just not critical outside of a certain amount of downtime.

Right now, stress is kind of keeping things swirled around a bit… more stuff onboard than I want to have hanging out with me everywhere… but a lot of it is just in such big chunks that it’s hard to just break it down and move it out in smaller sections.

But, it’s in progress.

Slowly but surely.

Such is life I guess.