The realization of how close the end of the school battles race really is has sort of brought with it more weight.
I remember, way way back, when the baby fever was in its highest pitch…. thinking to myself, maybe… just maybe… when Boo is in college or working and mainly out of the house… maybe if I don’t have a baby by then, I can adopt.
It was one of those thoughts that I don’t think I ever told to another living soul.. but it was a nice way to pacify the longing… to stall with a future promise of other options.
But it seemed so far off… so long for things to change in my life.
4 years from now? yikes!
Financially…. it would be time to be preparing…
But that brings the wonder, would anyone even trust me with a kid?
Not just that I’d still be a single parent… but… it’d be different if I had well paying career, tons of supportive people in my life… a clear direction… some semblance of having my life together…
I don’t think I’d ever considered that I’d be entering the second half of my 30’s and still feel as clueless and frustrated as I was at that place in my 20’s.
Actually… with the tries and the fails, especially with the college attempt, honestly, I probably feel less together than I did then.
But here I am.
Life wasn’t supposed to be like this.
This was supposed to be the reason why I worked hard in high school… why I went on to college… why I never got into drugs or bars…
Making all the "good" choices was supposed to prevent being here.
But it doesn’t.
All the effort in jobs, in the second round of school…
How does it lead here instead of somewhere that looks like what life seems like it’s supposed to look like?
Sometimes I’m not all that sure that they trying even helped at all.
But more important… what now?
Where can I even get from here?
Is there even a path that doesn’t lead in a long, expensive, difficult circle right back into the wilderness?
I don’t know anymore.
But, as much as the longing still reawakens at times for a baby… as much as being around little kids makes it stir… as difficult as it is to consider being done with kids….
I don’t think where my life is right now is any place for a baby.
Maybe life will be different in 4 more years.
But the view from here doesn’t look promising.
Someday that always seemed so far away… so sure to be better… is looking a bit bleak with a closer view.