Reaching goals, finding goals

I can’t go to the gym to lose weight.

I’ve tried… it just doesn’t happen.

Something about knowing the chemical and hormonal things that are screwed up in my system, and knowing how futile it tends to be… it’s just not there.

But…

I have no problem with going to the gym regularly to try and build up my knee.

I know that if I don’t get the strength built back up now, it’s never going to be there, and it’s always going to be a problem.

I’m literally doing the exact same thing… the exact same times…

But, one feels pointless…. the other feels like a worthy goal that is attainable.

And that makes the world of difference.

Even when my knee is still frustrating me with how weak it is.

And even when the goal of strengthening the knee is sort of vague on when I’ll know when it’s reached… which is supposed to be something you avoid with goals.

It’s the same with eating healthy. Weight as a reason gets nowhere. Avoiding digestive upset and general feelings of ickiness? Much more attainable.

And even on financial sorts of things.

Saving for retirement? That’s a million years away, if I even live long enough to retire… if retiring is something that’s even possible for our generation by then.

But saving for tuition on going back to college? Much more worthy of the time and effort… and so much easier to do.

Big goals just don’t inspire me.

You put the carrot on too long of a stick, and it’s just not close enough to seem worth grabbing for.

I think this is part of my frustration with life stuff right now.

I feel like I have no way of knowing what’s around the corner, where the road leads… and so it’s hard to set a reachable goal when I don’t know what direction to go.

Will my leg recover enough to go back to school, and will the finances work with it, and would I be too long out of it to not remember enough of the material of the first year of specific classes that the last year builds on?

Will I find a stable, comfortable office job that pays enough and is steady and safe enough to call it a career even if it’s not the most exciting thing in the world?

Will I find something creative that honestly really gives me enjoyment that I’m good enough at, and creative enough for on an extended bases, that could actually also pay the bills?

Or is the path something completely different?

I can head off in one direction… but, I’m scared that like the return to school, it’s going to be something that turns out to be a massively huge waste of time and effort and money and get me nowhere.

But, not knowing where I’m going makes it a lot rougher to set goals to try to get there.

If I felt pulled in a specific creative direction, I could work on specific skills… but, improving on my painting helps very little if the path holds an office job.

Working on studying radiology and learning for myself to keep up and ready is a doable goal.. but… if that’s not in the eventual cards, its just sinking more time and effort into an already huge waste…

And it’s hard to feel like the goal is worthy of the effort towards it when it feels like it might be something that’s just a pointless distraction.

I don’t mind the hard work…

I can do the sacrifices…

But I wish I had somewhere that I felt like it was a worthy investment of the effort and dedication to pursue. Something I knew or at least felt strongly was going to be the productive path to take.

The doubt and lost feelings are just killing me on motivations and aims… at a time when I’m already feeling on the weary side.

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