Trust, attempt 2

So that last post made a sharp left turn on me. LOL

I’ve kind of learned to just let it go when they do that… that I need to work things out on whatever area it’s running off towards.

But, well, I still kind of want to go back to where I was trying to go with that one.

So, recapping a bit.. old doc was ignoring several of the major long term issues (and short term for that matter) instead just lecturing me on being fat and needing to lose weight, even when the things she was telling me to do at some of the times wouldn’t work at all with my knee issue, and completely weren’t the right meds to address the issue in others, etc.

New doc is awesome, is very familiar with both chronic conditions, and was very much on the same page on treatments rather than my having to explain and fight for anything I needed.

This week, I’m feeling seriously crummy from some of the med changes… but I know that they need to happen, and that the crummy feeling in the transition is sort of unavoidable.

I know that the new doc knows her stuff, knows how to treat the issues both on their own and with both of them playing off of each other, and that she’s paying attention to where my body is at rather than what she wishes it would be like.

So, I trust her.

In this case, I know what the plan is, and it makes sense to me, but with one of the future meds she mentioned that will likely be added, I haven’t heard of it being used before. But, because she’s shown even in just the single visit to have my best interests in mind, I trust her with the call on that one even without that knowledge just yet.

But, I find myself realizing that if I felt this crummy with something the old doc had suggested, I’d have given up on about day 2 or so.

She didn’t gauge her decisions on the path she knew was best from where I was currently, she just focused on what she wished that I was, and so, there was none of that trust. She was someone I needed for writing prescriptions and referral letters to the orthopedic doc for my knee, but she was never someone I considered to be a partner in my health. If anything, she was more an enemy to be fought in self-defense and with strategy to attempt to treat myself with only my own knowledge and self-concern to go on.

Completely different approaches.

But having the trust and agreement in the overall picture and direction of the path makes a huge world of difference.

But, it also hits me how much there’s a parallel on trust in God that’s demonstrated by the situation.

And I’m not thinking it’s a measure that I pass very well.

How much do I really trust his plan?

When I’m feeling crummy in transition, do I accept that it’s needed and short term?

Do I trust that he has my best interests at heart, not only that he wants things to turn out for the best, but that he’s taking into account where I’m at now and not just on where we both wish I was in my life?

Sometimes that’s a really hard thing for me.

Sometimes it not too hard to believe that it all works out in the end for the good, but the process of the path to get there looks a bit less deliberately planned for my benefit.

When it feels like I’m plodding through the valley of the shadow of death, trying to remind myself it could be much worse and that the shadows are just shadows and its not even all that dark yet… it doesn’t feel like it’s a short term and needed but unpleasant transition.

It doesn’t feel like a crummy spell from a med change, it feels a lot more like "take this nasty tasting fish oil, its good for you".

It feels like the end goal of a better Christian person is in focus, but the fact that the process of getting through life to get there ranges from miserable endurance to impossible to accomplish.

Like I’m trying my best to pedal the bike in spite of the seriously injured knee, when right now it’s something that’s painful and not really something likely to ever be accomplished right now no matter how much effort I put into it, how much I want it, or how much I try to make sense of the direction and see the plans in it.

Logically… yeah, I know, it’s not like that.

Based on history, I know that things have a plan and purpose… that it isn’t just all about trudging through with focus just on the final goal.

But when I feel like I see so little of the big picture right now… so little of what in the heck the plan is here.. so little of anything resembling a path with brighter places up ahead soon…

It’s just really hard to feel that trust level sometimes even when the mental side knows it.

Physically, I just feel like curling into a fat, dizzy, fatigued, and sore ball… and wishing for this spell to hurry up and be over and the meds to have balanced themselves back out and gotten things flipped back around.

Spiritually… the feeling runs pretty similar sometimes.

Isn’t this crummy spell about over yet?

I know… it could be so much worse… in both ways.

It’s just general crumminess, not an intense kidney stone of agony.

I know it has a plan and purpose.

But I’m just so over this already anyway. Long long long over it.


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