Trust, knees, and hearts

As mentioned, I changed to a new doc last week… who is awesome, actually knows what she’s doing regarding both of the major chemical mess-ups my body does, and is taking things seriously and really working towards getting things back to as "chemically normal responsiveness" as possible.

Which I’m shocked by, but thrilled with. 🙂


Having said that…

I basically feel horrible this week. LOL

It’s not anything that’s too incredibly unexpected. I’m going off of two meds, one of which probably never was needed in the first place, and going back onto two completely different meds that do two completely different things.

So, yeah. I’m tired… I’m sore… I’m feeling a bit woozy headed and sometimes even almost dizzy when walking after sitting for a while..

I just in general feel crummy.

But, I know exactly why… and that it will pass… and that in the big picture, that it’s what needs to happen.

But this week has still been pretty crummy.

And at one point, I found myself realizing that if I’d felt this crummy at the advice of the other doc, I’d have given up on it in about a day.

Because I didn’t trust her. She had her own objectives that had nothing to do with my body’s specific issues and sometimes wasn’t even within its capabilities. (She once told me to ride my bike for an hour daily, when at the time I was in physical therapy and wasn’t even able to bend my knee to a 90 degree angle yet after the injury.)

She didn’t have my well being and best interests at heart, and she didn’t adapt her knowledge to match the actual situation.

She probably had a great deal of knowledge, but her knowledge and desire to be right overruled what should have been obvious observations that told her that her usual offerings were not appropriate in the limits of the situation.

How many people have given me advice that I could say the same thing about in completely different areas? Lots.

But the new doc, I trust.

I’ve only even met her once… but she’s already established that she knows what the actual situation is, she knows what the big picture is, she has a plan, and she honestly knows what shes doing in relation to what she’s looking at rather than just an ideal textbook body with normal chemical makeup that doesn’t actually work with a body that has two difference systems totally out of whack.

I agree with her on the treatment plan. But, even if I wasn’t already used to having to be aware what I was doing from basically treating myself on my own, I think that even if she made a decision at this point that I wasn’t all that sure about, she has gained my trust that I would give her the benefit of the doubt and go with it and assume she knew what was the best call.

I believe that she’s taking me into account… not just spouting off medical wisdom that may or may not even apply in this scenario.

And I’m realizing that’s a good part of my frustration with a lot of the advice I’ve gotten the past few years.

Was it sound, biblical advice? Yeah, for the most part.

Was it advice that was based in wisdom? Yeah, probably.

Was it actually taking me into account?

Uh… well, honestly… A lot of the time, not at all.

A lot of the time, it felt like I was being told to ride my bike for an hour a day, a good healthy recommendation, but one that did me absolutely no good when I couldn’t have bent my knee to follow it no matter how much I may have wanted to.

Related to K, related to school, related to work, related to life…

Brilliant suggestions aren’t worth much if they aren’t actually taking into account what the actual situation in front of you at the time, rather than the ideal world.

To take the K situation as a well vented example…

Yup, in an ideal world I’m a perfectly sane, completely confident, well adjusted person who of course should just shake their head in disgust at the behavior of K towards me, refuse to let myself be disrespected like that, and never have paid him a bit of attention after the very first breakup phone call as I happily moved on.

But sometimes… as much as I wish it were the case… sometimes it just isn’t.

Sometimes reacting without the charged emotions and in a mature, logical manner feels like I’m trying to ride a bike with a knee that will only bend 70 degrees from straight and is swollen and in a lot of pain.

Yes, riding a bike is a simple, reasonable expectation most of the time… and so is overcoming emotional responses.

But not always… especially with unusual circumstances.

I felt like I made a lot of people mad and frustrated with me for not taking advice, not listening, not being rational and mature in a lot of my responses…

But at the same time… with as much as my entire heart felt shattered and emotions were exploding everywhere… I feel like I did the best that I could do.

Crummy as that still may have been.

Even though it meant losing people from my life because at the time I couldn’t get it all together any more than I could ride a bike with a seriously injured knee.

It sucks.

But I suppose that’s how life goes sometimes.


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