Rather scared.

I’m really getting a bit scared by this whole business thing.

It’s not so much of a fear of real risk…

I mean, I’ll admit it, I’ve blown tax refunds in much less productive ways even if this falls flat on its face in a disaster that loses everything put into it… and it’s not like I’ve quit my job to go chase after a business dream, so there really isn’t too much to fear on that front.

And again, worst case scenario, at least it will have given me something to do and keep my busy for a bit as far as efforts if it fails.

I’m ok with having a future memory of "remember that summer you tried to sell wind toys at the craft fair?" as a silly thing I’ve tried if that’s what it ends up being. I’ve tried my hand at much worse jobs… and even successful business people frequently have a few flops under their belt.

And I’m about the worst critic of my painting skills, so I’m not going to be too horribly offended that nobody likes my stuff if it gets rejected.

So… what am I so scared of?

I think when it comes down to it, I’m scared of feeling like my hopes have been let down again.

There is this feeling… "flow" if you will… that comes sometimes when the path is right.

And it’s here for this.

I’m having to reign myself back and keep my balance on feasibility because the ideas are running so fast… maybe by the end of the summer there will have become a huge expanded product line, but feasibly I just can’t get enough made of more than a handful of different directions at once.. but the idea flow is strong…

And pieces just sort of fall into place.

Maybe the best way to explain it is that I’m sitting in the chair waiting for church to start, dreaming of a strategy for simplifying wood spiral production if/when I get my paws on a table saw… and over the course of about 2 seconds my thoughts go "6 ft board, cut in half would give me a 3 foot more manageable chunk to work with… and I could split that into 4 which would make it 9 inch width minus the amount the cut eats up, just a bit longer than the pvc version…"

Then, I suddenly realize.. how in the heck did I just divide 3 foot by 4 pieces and come up with 9 inches? In the course of about 2 seconds without doing the math. And it takes me at least another minute to sort out and figure out whether or not the match that just came out of nowhere was actually right. (It was. Somehow. LOL)

So, that would seem like all signs point towards go, right?

And it does… sort of. I know they do.

But…

The last time I can say that about in a major way.. was the decision to go back to school.

Which of course ended up being a giant waste of time and effort and money.

And hope.

Maybe most importantly, the wasted hope.

And lets not even get into the whole ginormous K mess.

I don’t mind the effort, even if it fails.

I don’t mind the hard work, even if it fails.

I don’t mind risking looking a bit like a flaky artist if it fails… lets face it, I’m opening a business selling spinning birds, flaky artist may well fit even if it doesn’t fail.

But I’m scared of letting my hopes get up on something again… and let my heart get into it… and having the bottom fall out again.

I can handle the effects of a worst case scenario flop… but I’m not entirely sure that I can really handle it emotionally if I let myself chase the dream and the vision turns out to be another mirage.

Even then.. it’s not like I haven’t survived it before. It’s not like I couldn’t make it again if forced to… but it’s just the pain of walking that road again that has me shaking. I’m still honestly not really recovered from either of the last rounds.

I’m terrified of it enough that there’s at least one day per week that I find myself considering just letting it go for this summer… playing around with the stuff for the year… maybe next summer or another year I’ll have enough inventory built up…

But, I know that’s not the way it would work. If that happens, it would be because I’m giving up and backing away.

I know that this is the time. I don’t doubt that.

I’m just having a rough time bracing myself.

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