The more things change….

Waiting is killing me.

Tomorrow is a week until the market opens, and still waiting on final word on if we got accepted.

I left a message this afternoon… And didn’t get a call back.

But, there’s a new like on the business Facebook page from someone listed as working for the market.

Maybe that’s a good sign? Especially when I didn’t give them the page link on the paperwork, so they found it themselves.

Or maybe they were liking it to see if it would show anything more, or the watch and see if we posted any better products?

It’s driving me crazier.

But it’s scary and frustrating beyond just the waiting… Because I know that it comes down to this. Someone’s opinion.

And that’s really all that matters between things going down the path that’s been hoped, and having to regroup and decide what’s happening next of the lesser positive options.

If whoever is making the decisions (maybe it’s just this single person) doesn’t like porch decorations and thinks they are tacky… Then all of my efforts and expenses are worth less than just this one person’s feelings.

And I hate this position.

Because it feels like a million other times.

The story of my life sometimes seems to be that no matter how hard I work towards something and how much effort I give… It’s ultimately beyond my control whether or not it fails.

That’s not what it’s supposed to be. The story we all get told is that if you work your butt off and give it your all, your efforts will be rewarded.

Most of you (ok, who I doubt are still reading, but who might read this anyway) already know some of my major examples of that idea failing me repeatedly in the past few years, so I’ll spare the rehashing.

Maybe that’s just a story we get told to keep us working hard, like the Santa story gets used to influence children’s behavior.

I really don’t know anymore.

I know that I’ve given it the best I could do with the circumstances at the moment. Yeah, in an ideal world, there would be lots of social media stuff built up and tons of pics and lots of likes.. But right now, between kid stuff, work stuff, job search stuff, and working on actually making the items… It is what it is.

I just know that fact doesn’t make much difference in the outcomes.

I know God has control of all, and has plans, and all of that. All things supposedly work together…

It just really frustrates me how little difference my best efforts make sometimes.

Another opinion

Tomorrow is the long awaited second opinion appointment on my knee.

It’s 11pm, I’m tired, but can’t sleep.

I know that things are not entirety right with the knee.

What I don’t know is if I’ll be taken seriously, or written off as just a fat chick that needs to lose weight to make her knees feel better.

I trust my new general doc, and thus it’s the orthopedic doc she is referring me to, so I assume she has good reason.

But, still.

My track record with medical people, and with knee issues being taken seriously, is horrible.

Right now, I can almost walk normal with just an occasional limp, but only if I’m on two different meds.

Unfortunately, because I’ve been on the anti inflammatory meds since the ankle injury several years back now, my body isn’t dealing well with the meds, and my blood pressure is skyrocketing while on them.

So the meds are out of the picture..
Which is making it very clear that there are still unresolved issues when it’s been more than a year, and I’m barely able to walk when not on the meds.

The replacement meds aren’t helping a whole lot.

The surgeon tried steroid injections into the knee last week…which was massively painful for several days… Then did help some, but not a ton.

Things should be getting better than this by now.

But when I was trying to explain the pain and resistance to the surgeon, one of his statements was along the lines of "this knee is never going to feel exactly like the other one". As if he thought I was being too unreasonable on expectations and just whining.

But I know that it’s not unreasonable to expect function.

I know it’s not unreasonable to be able to expect to walk through a store to purchase cheese for dinner even if it’s at the end of my work day.

My daughter and I went to a concert the other night, and I fought back tears from the pain twice to tough it out… And came to the realization that I’m not physically able to handle concerts at this venue right now.

I’m failing to hold them back tonight, because I fear otherwise they may attack tomorrow.

Is there a polite way to say "my insurance and I are paying you well to at least pretend to care and to take my issues seriously regardless of my weight"?

Cuz a lot of times anymore, that feels like it might be the unreasonable expectation.

I wish there were a service to hire a warrior. To hire someone to go along and be powerful and intimidating enough to make the staff actually notice and care and treat me like it matters that I’m in pain and fighting limiting obstacles that shouldn’t be there.

Because it doesn’t seem like they frequently do when it’s just me.

Here, there, and everywhere

Sort of feel like I’m here, there, and everywhere right now.

Partially just with the craziness of getting everything to come together with the business.

But it’s hitting me pretty good emotionally too.

There’s about 1 day out of every 3 that I’m not sure that I even really want to do this… that feel like just backing off and writing it off already without even trying.

But then, another day out of 3, I’m full steam ahead.. having trouble letting myself get anything else done, even sleep, when there’s something I could be doing. (Sanding and using the jigsaw have now become allowed in the living room to reduce the effect of nighttime on production… sawdust is sweepable… )

But it’s kind of going everywhere with everything else in life too.

Some days I’m fine with the working out and with exercises for my leg… other days I’m ready to go back to the doc and request pain meds again.

With one particular friend, who has work related reasons to keep a bit of a distance… I keep going back and forth on just leaving him alone and not even speaking to him until he takes initiative and just parking him in the pile of one-sided friendships…. or going the far other direction and giving him the benefit of the doubt that the reading I get talking to him is more correct of a gauge and to consider him a friend.

I’m really starting to completely hate it when my head gets this way. It’s hard to know from one day to another what to expect, even from myself.

Sometimes I just feel like I’m completely losing any trace of sanity I ever actually had.

Do you believe me?

I had started social media accounts for the business about a month ago… and had posted a few pics off and on, but not much yet.

I actually hadn’t even liked the page myself yet.

But today, April Fools Day, the idea came to mind this morning…. to post the announcement publicly that I’ve named the business.

Because, as I said, it’s a name that is intentionally whimsical and silly… meant to be easily remembered above all else, and to be playful.

And so… it’s been sort of hysterical today…. to find out how many people actually believe me that A: I’ve started a business and B: that I’ve named it a name that involved the word "swirlies"

Wasn’t quite ready yet for traffic on the page, only have pics and videos of like 3 items…

But the amusement of watching people think they are better than falling for believing the joke, while completely not realizing that the joke is just that I announced it today and not that it’s a joke name… is really making me smile today.

I’m easily amused… but I guess not too easily believed. 🙂