Friends and safety net building

Ok, I know I came off a bit harsh in that last round.

I wasn’t meaning to include anyone who doesn’t comment, or anything like that. It’s more just a frustration with those that I’ve called friends, but since come to think I was probably wrong in using that word.

Honestly, I think a lot of it still stems back to aftermath from the messy breakup. I’m sure I’ve probably gone into to this some even on the okay public stuff since then…

If, when I needed you, you seemed to almost deliberately become an added issue rather than a help… And I made it through anyway… Then do I really benefit much from having you in my life in the calmer times of life either?

It sounds really incredibly petty to start judging friendships by what I get from them. But, doing as much of an objective balance as I can, its super obvious that balance is not my strength here.

Instead, I tend to go three ways…

1. Relationships where I’m very much the weaker one and end up more in a child role. Not always a bad thing with the right mentor sort of friend, but easily twisted if not.

2. Relationships where I’m the one doing almost all of the relationship work. This isn’t give and take, it’s more like 80/20 at best. Most of these completely dropped off after the breakup when I had nothing to give and no initiative to be the one doing the pursuit.

3. A bit more distant. A bit between friends and acquaintances. Most of the time I don’t really have a good reason why these ones never really developed deeper, or have anything against the person… For whatever reason, it just never did.

What I’ve found in general… Looking at each one… Is that I actually have more benefit and less negative sides with the third group.

For years and years, with group 2 as my primary target, I was ok with spending 80 in effort to get 20 in benefit. It was 20 I didn’t have before. It was a much wanted 20, even if it wasn’t balanced. And generally, there was an element of pretending both of us were all in.

To be perfectly honest, it felt like the best I could do really.

But when I realized the 20 could be 0 when I tried to call on it… I realized I could live with 0 from them.

And when the 80 stopped flowing out because it wasn’t there, when it did come back more, the 20 just didn’t seem worth the effort of spending my 80 anymore.

With group 3, I may be getting only 20 in the first place, but I’m also only spending 20. Really, in a lot of cases, I’m probably a lot closer to 15 or even 10 with this group, focusing all my efforts on the other two.

So with group 2, there’s almost a twinge of bitterness, or maybe offense is closer to accurate. My 80 was freely and willingly given, with the circumstance being what they were. While I was frustrated with the 20, it’s not like it was news to me.. I’ve been venting about it occasionally for years on here.

But, even so, it’s like, that’s all my 80 was worth bothering with to you?

I think, tracing back more, that part of why I was ok with it came out of the earliest rounds of trying to recovery from a dysfunctional family.

In recovery styled groups and counseling, there’s usually a lot of emphasis on building your own family, on building your own net of support.

Part of that is focus on it being a net, not a rope. Of not having all of your eggs in one basket, not expecting any particular person to meet any particular need as then you risked stability if something happened.

I think somewhere that gets translated into don’t expect much from anyone.

It translated into expect little, and try not to put too much weight anywhere to risk snapping the net. Give your effort towards building as much as you can, but don’t be heavy, don’t put your full weight on it.

It sort of translated into earning your keep, realizing that a friendship net doesn’t have to be there, so if they are allowing you the favor of letting you anchor a net string with them, you owe them.

But that’s the key.

That assumes the net functions, that the strings are anchored.

Strings that go loose the minute there is weight on them are worthless to any net.

And I figured out a whole lot of mine were only hooked rather loosely.

Being safely in a non-dangling state, it’s been time to do some trimming of strings that don’t hold weight and cost effort. Trying to avoid tangles in the rest of the bet while I do.

Not because I don’t want a net.. or that I don’t wish for one…Or that I don’t feel like putting in the work to build one. (I’m actually pretty jealous of those who have strong ones given to them and haven’t had to go through the effort of building completely from scratch).

But because it wasn’t a working one anyway.

A couple good strings left is much better than many stands of net to tangle around me while it dumps me on the floor instead of catching me.

Right now, I’m at the point that I would really say that I have no close friends right now. Friends, yes, but not anybody close, let alone getting into bff territory.

Oddly enough, rather than being upset about that at all… I’m finding that the break in effort spent and drama tolerated is rather nice. Saving my 80 feels quite worth the loss of the 20.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s