Insecurity and dreaming

As it has been for years, moving as soon as possible financially was on the agenda.

And with being made full time, after a few months bill recovery, the time was near.

We’d spent a few weeks with my rushing home from work, picking up kiddo, then rushing off to the apartment complex of the night to check it out.

At this point, we’d decided. Location very close to work, huge complex with 36 buildings and 3 pools, literally straight across the street from one of the major parks we go to fairly frequently, and straight around the corner from another from the other side of the complex.

I’d run the numbers. Tighter than I’d like, but workable.

I’d actually even already dropped off the application at this point.

My overall feeling was that it has taken me 12 years to get back to where I was back when… A 2 bedroom apartment in a big busy area.

It still felt like a huge step from where we are now, a house with a ton of very major issues and with extra issues from family drama from being down the street still.

But my feeling was sort of that I’m so far behind even where I was back when my daughter wasn’t in school yet.

On a completely regular day, my daughter’s phone was messing up while we were out doing Pokemon, and so we stopped across the street from a coffee shop while she used wifi to help the game reload, as it takes a lot more to load than to keep running so it would be fine once loaded.

As we waited, we discussed the building we were parked in front of, a historic area of town that’s the edge between the downtown area and the artsy entertainment district.

I pointed out the awning covering the door that lead to the lobby for the lofts upstairs, and explained a bit how loft apartments above storefronts work.

And that they tend to be very upscale and expensive… Places for business executives from downtown to be close to the entertainment.

Now, in this area and the entertainment area, there’s probably at least ten major buildings of loft apartments. It’s the major revitalization push to keep the area from just being dead between the two zones.

And the cheapest one bedrooms in the area are double the cost of the two bedroom we were moving to. So glancing at prices on website charts, I wouldn’t have looked further.

The very next day at work, I got asked a question that lead me to hunt for an answer, and one page I opened that wasn’t the right answer turned out to be a list of companies that had gotten tax benefits from the city while building in exchange for offering a tiny percentage of their units at reduced rates for low income.

By the fact that I’m mentioning it, you know what building was in the list, one of very few that I recognized that were not senior housing or section 8 projects.

Web research showed they only offered a few reduced units.

I called.

That usually have a wait list that runs about 6 months depending on turnover for the reduced units.

I honestly intended to move towards wait list for after lease was up at the apartments by work. 6 month lease was more expensive, but might work on timing.

As it happened, they had one reduced rate apartment open.

With the office hours​, we couldn’t see it until the weekend, so we set up an appointment.

Only to be told late Friday that that had an application pending for it now.

I asked to come see it anyway, just to be looking towards the future. So we did.

Very nice place. The bedroom views are a bit weird, mostly towards another part of the building with a roof between the two. But the front ones are nice, and I’m sure they picked the least nice ones for the reduced rate.

The rent for it is actually $100 less than the one we’d applied for already.

We both liked it a lot better than the current winner.

So two weeks pass. I’m playing phone tag with our new apartment manager, and getting really annoyed that I’m supposed to go in and sign a lease Saturday and I still haven’t gotten anything at all nailed down from him or even seen the apartment rather than their model.

I got the email Friday afternoon that the pending application at the nice place hadn’t gone through.

It was open again.

I’d actually already filled out the very extensive paperwork with plans to submit it for wait list, but hadn’t yet. So it was turned in first thing the next morning.

It’s been two weeks of waiting. And waiting.

And I’m extremely nervous.

Because this place is very nice, way above what I would have dreamed of getting into anytime soon in my life.

It’s where I want to be.

And yet, I feel so…

So much like a loser?

The income guidelines are very strict, requiring at least 3 times the rent in income while also being below 50% line on the median income for this county.

I’m within it, by only about $100. And so I’m nervous they will use some weird calculation and I’ll be disqualified.

The credit guidelines are also strict. I know what that are, I know that my junk is all far enough past that while my score is trash, the stuff is too old and of the wrong type to count for what they would count against me.

But that one bill from years ago reports as delinquent every month, even though it’s so old it will drop off my report next year. What if they don’t look close enough to notice that it’s actually old, and don’t tell me why to let me point it out?

What if my former stepdad, the landlord here, tells them lies and tries to sabotage when they call him as my only landlord in the last decade?

What if they are secretly judging that the fat chick single mom and the teenager with brightly colored hair are not quite the match for their much higher paying usual clients, and decide to make things lean such that they can look for a more usual applicant that will blend in better?

Suddenly, it’s an occasion for a million insecurities to come to the surface and convince me I’ve failed.

Until today I was pretty sure by the silence that I’d been declined and they were just sending me a letter instead of calling.

Well, today is a day under two weeks of the processing phase. And today I started getting texts from my references (former coworkers, as requested) that they were getting called.

I stopped and realized that the Friday afternoon email I got that the other person was not approved, was two weeks after that had submitted their app.

And I did not get a "nope" email today.

I’m cautiously hopeful.

And still honestly a lot more scared than I should be.

I’ve tried to hedge my daughter’s hopes, in case, but every conversation with her shows all the more how nervous I am without a concrete reason.

When she asks "why would they?", I can’t answer with anything that sounds like a good reason.

I just expect them to… Because, well, it’s me.

Such a contrast in mentalities between kiddo and I that I can’t even explain to her why I expect to be declined for being a loser, even knowing we qualify.

Even knowing it’s what I really want, I’m too scared to even dream for it just yet, while she’s planning her bedroom layout and sending me pictures of futons she wants to eventually get for it.

I’m now the one annoying the previously selected apartment manager by not responding. I don’t know that I will be brave enough to close that door until I have the key in hand.

Either way… It’s time to go home.

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One thought on “Insecurity and dreaming

  1. tlc4women says:

    This is such great news. As I read I felt nervous but I know God will place you both where you are intended and that miracles happen all of the time. Feeling so hopeful!

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