What to do with a year

So, it looks like most likely I’ll have a year between the classes that just ended and the next classes within the college program.

And I know that usually when God pulls stuff like that it’s for a reason and there is a purpose behind it.

But what exactly that is I’ve yet to find out. What am I supposed to do with this year?

What do you do with a spare year of time to kill when you are broke and have a kid? It’s not exactly feasible to do a gap year thing and go travel or go do missions or something.

Financially… I need to get a job. But, given the previous failures at this.. I can’t say I have much optimism. I actually couldn’t even get hired at a 2 month seasonal position that paid minimum wage watering plants and running cash register at a tent for a greenhouse this summer… though at least I made it through both rounds of interviews to be considered.

I know better than to even mention before hired that I don’t expect it to last beyond a year, but, if it pays well, would I even have the confidence in future jobs to be brave enough to leave? School also involves clinicals after the first semester, so working full time through classes is pretty much completely out.

But then, maybe this is actually a way of this path ending, but putting it into my hands to accept this and follow through with making the choice to close the door. There have been lessons and purposes enough in the past year that I can see where its possible that school has already fulfilled its true reason, even if not fulfilling its “get a job” apparent reason.

They recommend in the letter that I take the chemistry and other theology class required during the year to get them out of the way. But, killing time with classes only sounds nice until you look at the numbers. The student loans through the government have a lifetime limit for the undergraduate level, even if you’ve already paid part of the previous ones off…. and with my previous classes, plus this past year of pre-reqs, plus the anticipated cost of two more years at a private college…. I’m already going to be getting pretty close to the line before it’s all said and done.

So I really don’t know right now.

Why are things like this never obvious and clear to me?

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Two down, one is late

One of the two letters have arrived.

And the top choice in programs for next year has rejected me.

So that leaves only the program that was my third choice… who was also supposed to send letters this week, but which haven’t arrived yet.

Maybe it’s best I don’t know before finals week if the past year has been for nothing anyway.

I suppose “nothing” is a big word. I know there are some positive growth things that have come of it either way… and I still feel like this is what I was supposed to do, even if it doesn’t end up leading anywhere further after this.

Wish I had more of that same on what plan B is if the result is no though.

Either way… I’ve done what I can do.

Left with me and the trio again. Waiting, Hoping, Praying.

Trying to evict the twins of fear and worry. They never seem to help much.

The last quarter

3 months.

Roughly 3 months left until the expected move.

I checked the box on the paper today essentially asking to be unemployed in about 3 weeks.

In spite of knowing it’s crazy… especially with all of the crazy economic twists that have hit since the feeling sirst started this summer… I know it’s what I need to do.

And yet, while nervous… I have an odd sort of confidence. And I think a good part of it goes back to the thoughts in the last post releasing some of the fear of what ifs.

But it’s a bit strange too, in that I feel surprisingly free.

In an awful housing market, I own no home. My choices aren’t locked by whether or not I can sell one, or get a loan in a crazy loan market.

In a job cutting market, I have no deep loyalty or no locked in career. Call centers are everywhere, easy work to get with some experience, and while not big bucks will normally pay the bills about anywhere you look.

No significant other means no working with another’s career and needs and preferences.

Family ties are not close, frequently not beneficial, and especially strained and drama prone as of late even for our family. Mom does travel jobs half the time anyway, and has been discussing more lately. One brother has talked of moving away himself. I lived 10 hours away from nearest family for 5 years previously. Proximity is not an issue.

And if it all fails? What do I lose? The effort spent in trying? If it fails, I end up right back where I am now.

Right now, in the middle of crazy times… the lack of the very ties once sought creates freedom not sought but appreciated anyway.

Strangely… I feel more nervous about the process of moving itself than I do about the future once moved.

I have no clue what the path holds. But I know it holds something, if only given by my choice of that path. So I guess we will see.

3 months.

Home

As I was sorting through things the other day, I picked up an item that was going to be kept.

I sort of talk to items sometimes in my head… with this sorting lately it’s mostly been along the lines of “why in the world are you still here?” or “give me one good reason to keep you”.

But as I was moving this item over to where it needed to be, what was said to it in my head was “you’ll be going home with me”.

I was, of course, already at our current house.

Which kinda made to stop a bit, and realize how much my heart is already moved on. I already have accepted that this isn’t home… even though I’m not even positive yet as to where home will be.

It’s mostly narrowed down to 2 places, and 2 less likily possibilities.

One of the places would be my preference if my preference was the only question to be answered.

But the other place seems to be where all of the most relevant job openings are, and where i’ve gotten the most job responses by far, and where i know more people though none close enough that i would call them friends really.

Where in the first place, i’ve only managed to narrow down to a large part of town on looking for places to live… the second I’ve actually narrowed down already to two specific areas, with a leaning towards one but a better likelihood of being about to afford the other.

And the more and more things fall into place, the more it tends to slope towards the second option rather than my first choice.

So maybe I do already know.

But then… it doesn’t take a trend.. just one right door.

Wonder how long till I get over number one?