Grades and letters

Grades are in… the 4.0 miracle from last semester would have continued except for a single b+. Which I’m ok with, as the class was graded almost entirely on essay tests, and the teacher is one of those who keeps close to the “c is average work” grading scale.

And the second letter came.

I’m on the wait list for the program.

Which means, if anyone drops between now and the second week of class, they could call me, and I’d have to be ready on short notice.

Remembering that this requires 450 in deposits for both the program and the university confirmation, plus full physical, plus background check, plus the fees for those…. let alone the enrollment process where I haven’t attended there before, and the normal semester stuff… and I can’t say I’m particularly looking forward to the craziness if the call does come late.

However, if I don’t get called, then next year I’m admitted.

Initially I’m not a huge fan of this…. at least with a no I could have moved on with life. As it is, if I do manage to finally get hired somewhere in the meantime, it’s going to be hard to drop a sure income in this economy to go after something which won’t have even a chance of income for another 2 years.

But I guess it is what it is.

Two down, one is late

One of the two letters have arrived.

And the top choice in programs for next year has rejected me.

So that leaves only the program that was my third choice… who was also supposed to send letters this week, but which haven’t arrived yet.

Maybe it’s best I don’t know before finals week if the past year has been for nothing anyway.

I suppose “nothing” is a big word. I know there are some positive growth things that have come of it either way… and I still feel like this is what I was supposed to do, even if it doesn’t end up leading anywhere further after this.

Wish I had more of that same on what plan B is if the result is no though.

Either way… I’ve done what I can do.

Left with me and the trio again. Waiting, Hoping, Praying.

Trying to evict the twins of fear and worry. They never seem to help much.

So this is it.

The two remaining applications for programs for next year have been submitted.

Everything that I have any semblance of control over is done. Which is making me feel really helpless… in spite of knowing that this entire process would be doomed if it were running by my ability anyway so getting me out of the way ought to actually help things.

Whether or not I’m even in consideration for either program comes down to whether or not they choose to factor my older unrelated classes into the gpa calculations or not.

Had I been applying for the nursing programs around here, they have a written policy that anything that old isn’t taken into account. But neither department in my case does.

So it’s entirely a matter of how they choose to look at things and how much weight to put on various factors on a case by case basis.

None of my classes this semester ended up issuing mid-term grades, so the newer grades are entirely on last semester. When I had a 4.0, so there’s not any way that I could have done anything better there. Which somehow just makes me worry more about the essays instead of being relieved.

Either way…. what’s to happen is in motion.

Wish I could say that after the various signs and successes of the past year that I’m just totally filled with faith and optimism.

I suppose I do have faith that whatever the outcome will be, it’s the outcome that it’s supposed to be.

I guess I just wish I had more in the area of being confident of that outcome being positive, rather than preparing to accept the negative as being what must be supposed to happen.

Maybe the one relief…. like the previous program, both of these programs will be doing interviews in the next month for those who make it into the next round of consideration.

So while I may not get a formal rejection, acceptance, or wait listing for a couple of months still, at least if the gpa question takes me out of the running, I should have a clue before the end of April.

Now just for calming nerves and continuing prayer until then.

Mac giving tree! Yay!

Free mac apps for Christmas! yay yay yay!

2 aps now, 2 on the 25th, and 2 for telling friends

macheist usually does a really cool bundle of aps from independent developers about once a year that gives you like 10 aps or so for 40 bucks or so, part of which is donated to charity..

useful things like financial programs and password managers, fun things like the best minigolf game ive seen on a computer with amazing graphics, and things like stop motion animation i never would have bought but love playing with now that i have it…

Less goop

Well, i;ve discovered entirely by accident that when you add just an ounce more milk than you are supposed to… 9 oz instead of 6-8… the goopy shakes are a whole ton less goopy and taste much much better.

though not having much more progress. i’ve nicknamed this the colorado diet… because thats what my weight chart looks like. up a few days, then back down a few days…. repeating… going between 4 pounds lost and 8.

starting to drive me nuts.

has about 10 more days to get its act together before i decide to keep it or dump it. so still up in the air right now.

Weight loss, and Effort vs Accomplishment

Yes, its that time of year for the annual weight loss posts.

But this round has been kind of weird with me.

Now, to start off, I have medical issues… related to various glands messing up their production amounts… throwing off all sorts of hormonal balances.

So, I don’t lose weight. Pretty much ever. But then, I don’t gain it either. My weight bounces around a bit within about a 10 pound range.

The few exceptions have always been gains that had medical reasons. I went on a medication in college for about a year, and gained about 5 pounds a month. When I went off of it, it stopped…. and found exactly the same pattern my weight used to do, just using the new, higher 10 pound range.

Again, when I got pregnant… same thing. Weight went up, stabilized, and then just hovers in the 10 pound range. And then again when I went on another medication for several months.

But, unfortunately, these changes have always been bumps up, never down. And when you consider that I’ve never been skinny to begin with… and you add 60 from one med, 45 or so from a pregnancy, and about 40 from another med… it doesn’t make for this being a positive trend.

No matter what I’ve done, it hasn’t dropped. Even when I had an overbearing doctor put me on an extreme 800 calorie diet, with only about 10 different foods I could eat, and on two medications which make me exhausted.

He was expecting a pound per day loss. In two weeks of keeping to the diet strictly, I lost a grand total of 2 pounds. He accused me of cheating and told me I wasn’t really trying. I never went back to that office.

So this has been my past experience.

You can thus imagine my surprise at the fact that I’ve lost 7.8 pounds in the past 2 weeks.

A few months back, my mother’s boyfriend (not to be confused with her husband) started selling for an herbal supplement company. Followed by talking her into taking some of the products, followed by talking her into selling for the company.

So for Christmas, I recieved a large box containing a month’s supply of their middle level program. A 200 buck value or so, but a rather off gift.

So I decided I might as well give it a try, given that it’s far from the siliest thing I’ve done in the name of weight loss attempts over the years. 3 powders mixed (with splenda) to make goopy shakes twice a day, plus a grand total of 14 “tablets” per day split into 4 different groups (they’re abut the size of vitamins, but I keep getting corrected by mom for calling them pills), plus two goopy snack bars a day that remind me of the fruity-centered pieces in the really cheap boxes of valentines chocolates.

Oh, and one “normal” meal.

I’m less than impressed with the bars, but they are edible. The pills taste absolutely awful because they try to disolve a bit in your mouth before you get them swallowed. Which is where the shakes come in. Because while they don’t taste great either even with the splenda, if you use them to swallow the pills then they mask the taste, plus leave you with only about two large swallows to chug down before you’ve finished it.

Can ya tell I’m not a huge fan? lol

However, even before the weight being lost, I had to notice… it really was reducing hunger. As in, I’d only had the two shakes and two bars all day, and failed to notice that I hadn’t eaten dinner until my daughter came home at almost 9pm.

Trust me, that’s never happened before!

Plus the completely atypical weight loss for me.

But as much as it was working, I still wasn’t very sure about it. I mean, I can tolerate goopy and not very tasty things for a while, but this isn’t something I’m going to want to spend the rest of my life on. And, like most diets, the weight may well come right back the minute I stop.

So its with this uncertainty that I send my mom a little chart thing of my weigh-ins. And of course she makes this giant deal of it.

But… something about it jsut doesn’t really sit right with me. Here I’m getting all this hype over this progress when I haven’t really done much to get it. But how many times have I worked and worked and gave it my all, and had nothing to show for it?

How much cheering on did I get for my two miserable pounds from the two awful weeks with the doctors plan? But then, if I had the cheering with the 2 pounds, would I have even taken it seriously?

I guess it just seems really hollow compared to how much effort I’ve put in on previous attempts. Unearned maybe.

The thought crosses my mind to ride my exercise bike more next week. Maybe that will make it feel more earned. But then I really think about that… and I’m back to my lesson from a few weeks ago… trying to put forth effort to earn things that aren’t earned by the effort.

Not that getting increased exercise isn’t good, just knowing that the bike is not what is doing it. I’ve done the bike in the past, frequently, and it doesn’t change things. Even if it makes me feel better on the hollowness, it’s still the goop and pills working the magic, not the effort I put in to “earn” it.

It’s just kind of odd how much this is bugging me. I mean, as many times before as I would have done about anything to drop that much that quickly, tons of effort with no accomplishment… why in the world would I be having issues with having accomplishment with little real effort?

Isn’t accomplishment without effort supposed to be what society’s dreams are about?